WHAT NOW? LIFE COACHING. - Mushroom to Sunflower Blog

Motherhood; What Legacy Have You Inherited?

5/5/2021

My Motherhood Journey, as with all mothers everywhere (!), has been, well a Journey!

As Mothers, we are very rarely aware of the complex lineage we’ve been handed and the unseen force of that lineage that is at work in us.

We’ve inherited behaviours and beliefs from every aspect of our family lines, as well as from our community, from our society, from our culture as well as from the multitude of media sources we are exposed to.

No wonder we struggle at times, with what seems like a very complicated/tangled bundle of issues, emotions, and relationships.

In a previous post I talked about how we are not meant to be flawless, (It's Not Our Job to Be Flawless), perfect women or mothers. Our job is to do the best we can with what we’ve been handed. Hopefully, we can parse out some time and resources to untangle some of what we’ve been handed and make the legacy/lineage a bit less messy for ourselves and the next generation. But that is an aspiration, not a requirement!

In my recovery program we trace the history of your female lineage to uncover the particular aspects of behaviour and beliefs that you have inherited. And then we go about using the insights and shifts in understanding and perspective to improve your experience as a woman/mother/sister/friend.

To all you who may be struggling this Mothers Day, I'm sending you my love.

Check out FEMALE EMOTIONAL NEGLECT RECOVERY HERE

Jennifer Washington

Certified Martha Beck Life Coach

What Now Life Coaching

www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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It Is Not Our Job to Be Flawless; Happy Mothers Day

5/5/2021

All the things around motherhood, mothering, being a mom, having a mom, not having a mom, not being able to be a mom...is a lot! Mother brings up many things.

You’ve been handed a lineage.
As was your mother, and her mother.
If you can look at that lineage and see that you have taken what you’ve been given and improved upon it and/or overcome any of it,
If you can look back at the ‘mistakes’ your parents made and see how they did better than their parents,
If you can have gratitude for the leg-up they gave you that they didn’t have,
If you can have love and compassion for them and their journey,
If you can have a loving relationship with those in the line before you, and after you, even if you don’t agree with their views, lifestyle, choices, etc.… and not need them to change,
you have already completed your task.
You have done your part of improving your lineage.

There may be some in your line who blame you, guilt you, shame you.
Allow them their pain and suffering.
It is now their job to improve upon the lineage.
As you have.

It is not our job to overcome everything and be flawless. It is our job to do our part in strengthening the lineage.

#happymothersday #callyourmother #yourmotherlovesyou

Discover how your female family lineage is affecting you in my

 FEMALE EMOTIONAL NEGLECT RECOVERY HERE

Jennifer Washington

Certified Martha Beck Life Coach

What Now Life Coaching

www.whatnowlifecoaching.com
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When Guilt & Shame Becomes Toxic

14/4/2021

When Guilt & Shame Become Toxic

Guilt
Guilt is a useful emotion; one we don’t understand very well.
Normal and authentic guilt occurs when we inadvertently or deliberately violate a trust or hurt someone. You can identify and claim that you did something ‘bad.’

Shame
Shame arises from being part of a social system. It is a group-created tool for keeping members adhering to the group think, rules or codes of conduct. When your actions or behaviours don’t fit into your family's’, your religions’, or any group membership you hold, you will most likely feel shame. You haven’t committed any ‘crime,’ but you’ve violated rules you agreed to.

Guilt Becomes Toxic
When guilt becomes your default state, it is toxic.
You are in toxic guilt if you take on responsibilities that are not yours. You feel somehow responsible when things go bad for others who’ve made their own choices and decisions. If you are emotionally enmeshed with others, trying to manage their emotions and or feel overwhelmed by other people’s emotions and behaviours, you are suffering Toxic Guilt.

Shame Becomes Toxic
‘Regular’ shame lasts a few hours or even a few days.
Shame becomes toxic when it results in negative self-talk that stays with you. When your general, over-all belief about yourself is that you ARE bad. You will likely feel isolated, have low self-esteem, and your general outlook will be negative. Toxic shame comes from constantly being told or believing you’re not enough.

All Too Common Female Experience
Toxic guilt and toxic shame are hallmarks of female emotional neglect (Are You Emotionally Neglected?). Most of the women I see suffer the burden of toxic guilt and shame. Because we are raised to put others first and to ignore our own needs. Because we are taught that over-giving and over-caring are a badge of female honour. And we are constantly fed the message that we can and SHOULD be better!

If your guilt and shame are toxic, you will have great difficulty putting yourself first, taking care of your very real and necessary needs. You will very likely be emotionally and physically tired, if not completely burned out.

In my RECOVERY program you’re shown exactly how to extract yourself from regular guilt and shame AND permanently recover from Toxic Guilt and Toxic Shame, shifting into a permanent healthy emotional state.

Check out FEMALE EMOTIONAL NEGLECT RECOVERY HERE

Jennifer Washington

Certified Martha Beck Life Coach

What Now Life Coaching

www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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The Patriarchal Model of Womanhood; It’s Called Female Emotional Neglect

17/2/2021

I can confidently say, most of my struggle and pain in relationships is a direct result of Emotional Neglect. Being under-nourished and under-developed emotionally keeps us without the resources to be fully ourselves, to contribute to and enjoy the world as much as possible.

I've experienced this and I see my friends and 'sisters' continue to experience this. It breaks my heart.

The Internalized Patriarchal Model
Childhood emotional neglect is very common and recovery is possible. Even if you were not neglected as a child, if you're a woman, you have encountered the patriarchal model of womanhood. The prime components of this model are female self-sacrifice and female neglect. The model is so ingrained in our culture and in our female and male DNA that we are barely aware of it. We are not only controlled by patriarchal restrictions, we have internalized them to the degree that we are now controlling, editing and shutting down ourselves.

Too Emotional
If you're a woman, you've likely been told at some point, you're too loud, talk too much and you're too emotional. There's a reason for this. It keeps our power in check. To effectively shut a woman and her power down, diminish her and relegate her to the background and constantly tell her she is 'too emotional.'

Female emotions are superpowers. Emotional outbursts happen because they are necessary.

Our Children Are Watching
When we recognize where we are shutting our power down, going along with the patriarchal model and take steps to recover from emotional neglect, recovery is possible.
When we recognize that our children, our sons and our daughters, are watching us, recovery is necessary.

FEMALE EMOTIONAL NEGLECT RECOVERY PROGRAM

*Understand your history of Female Emotional Neglect

*Notice where you are playing small, shutting down, being restricted

*Take effective recovery steps

*Begin to experience your life in a new way

Jennifer Washington

Certified Martha Beck Life Coach

What Now Life Coaching

www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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Intentional Wellness

9/2/2021

With no one really knowing definitively how to avoid this virus and it's new mutations, I fully embrace all of the recommended protocols—I always wear a mask when I go out. I am not meeting with anyone indoors. I wash my hands frequently and I keep physical distance.

The rest of my efforts are going to boosting my immunity and keeping myself healthy. I do know that none of my intentional wellness habits guarantees my health and safety! But I feel strong doing what I can, where I am, with what I have.

Food🥬
I eat fresh fruits and vegetables every day. I'm vegan so this is my 'main' diet.
I do indulge in comforting carbs, because, winter, and comfort! I do limit white sugar and flour, although I am more relaxed about it on the weekends.
I drink lots and lots of water.

Rest😴
I go to bed around the same time every night and get up around the same time every morning. Routine really, really calms anxiety for me. I get an average of 7-9 hours of sleep. I have not always been a good sleeper—as most mothers can relate! I have practiced good sleep hygiene for a number of years and now it's working for me.
I also have an afternoon rest and read time. This is what feeds my creativity tank. Usually about the time I think I might close my eyes and 'meditate' for a minute, I'll get an inspiration of some kind!

Exercise💪🏻
I have a short, daily yoga practice to keep me limber/flexible. I do 1 to 3 long walks/week and short ones almost all the rest of the days. Fresh air each day helps my nighttime sleep. Even when it's bitterly cold, I bundle up thoroughly (no bad weather, just bad clothes!) and at least walk around the block.

Creativity/Hobbies🧶
I do a fair bit of binge watching t.v. and movies in the evenings, but I've taken up crocheting while I watch.
I do something creative everyday. As I mentioned, I crochet, paint, colour, play guitar/piano and/or play with digital photos and graphics (like the one below!)

I spend more time cooking than I used to. On weekends, I look up recipes and try making things I haven't before. I made pretzels! My friend Laureen is a food blogger (Art & the Kitchen). The pretzel recipe is HERE

Fun🥳
It's a stretch some days! It's fun for me to text my friends and family (I love emojis!) and I've brought in our out-door bean bag toss game. My husband and I play a game every day after work! So far he's won more than I, but every now and again I get a win. We also play a game or two of cards on the weekend. I play several different kinds of solitaire on my computer each night before bed.

Gratitude🙏
I do gratitude writing every morning. It sets the tone for the day and I remind myself how privileged I am!

I did not go directly from a burned out, Coca-cola drinking, cheese and meat eating, over weight, cigarette smoking depressive to a person with wellness habits overnight. These habits were a process!
Therapies. Coaches and Therapists. I experimented and took what worked for me.

I do, of course, have low-energy days, even days when I feel sad and discouraged. I know this is 'normal' during the best of times and even to be expected during this very unsettling time. I try not to plan/think too far into the future because the uncertainty makes me anxious. By focusing on wellness each day, I keep myself present and maintain a feeling of some 'control.'

What about you? How are you spending your pandemic days? How is your health and well-being?

Stories About My Journey
Care Giver Burnout
Five Steps to Support Your Weight-Loss Resolution
How to Break Up With Your Bad Habit
Depression, Your Personal Message, The Back Story

❤️VALENTINE'S DAY BONUS❤️

Self-Love Practice

Jennifer Washington
Certified Martha Beck Life Coach

What Now Life Coaching

www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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Goals, Intentions and Gratitude

19/1/2021

Since I've adjusted to being able to control or predict practically nothing, I have set for myself intentions instead of goals in 2021.

Goals
Goals are focused into the future. They are a specific achievement or destination and they are external.

Intentions
Intentions are centred in the present. They are about relationship with self as well as others and they are not dependent on achieving anything specific.

Gratitude
Having experienced the season just passed in such a peaceful way and from landing in a space where not much is happening—for this I give heartfelt 🙏gratitude🙏—I want to maintain this new 'going with the flow' mode of operation.

Starting with thankfulness each day, I am only doing what is absolutely necessary to be adult and responsible, and the rest of the time I'm doing only what feels good. This is a daring approach for me having spent years and years in control mode!

I have done my own 'Visioning' (see below) and it really works! Based on this visioning, I have created a vision board and some creative art projects. Before, this would have been my 'work.' and the energy of it would have been forced and filled with effort. This time it is flowing from a gratitude-filled, creative place and the energy is light and easy.

What about you? Are you setting goals and/or intentions for yourself? What are you grateful for right now? Have you ever had a 'vision' of your future?

In This Time For the Holidays

7/12/2020

Understanding the Pressures of The Season

This blog is a re-post of Holiday Stress Much?, Published December 4, 2018

Expectation Check
This is 'normally' a stressful time of year. With our current global situation, it is now fraught with increased restrictions, pressures, fear as well as expectation; the expectation to make the best of a less than ideal situation puts even more pressure on those of us who strive to make the season merry.

The Pressure of the Season
Loss: If we’ve suffered any kind of loss, the the pressure of the season intensifies the grief.
Loneliness: Isolation has left many already feeling incredibly lonely. The pressure of the season will make us feel even lonelier.
Not Where You Want to Be: If our situations are less than ideal, the expectations arising this time of year, will make the situation feel even more NOT ideal.

Emotional Check
If you are experiencing any of the following:
Anxiety/worry
Dread
Overall low energy
Sickness
Insomnia
Panic Attacks
Loss
Loneliness
Not Where You Want to Be
You could use some support.

What You Really Need
If you are physically not well, please seek medical assistance!
If you are emotionally and mentally struggling, self-help/DIY information abounds and can really lift you up. (Here’s a ‘gooder’ I wrote a while ago - Happy Holiday Pre-Plan).

But, having a safe place to vent and someone to provide actual, helpful feedback and suggestions for effective shifts that apply to your unique situation, is most helpful.

My Personal Reality
The last couple of Christmases were not great for me. There was much sadness, grief, anger, and emptiness. I've applied all of my tools, resources and employed outside help to process, grow and change because of it. I've experienced a huge shift in my inner and outer world just in these past few months. This Christmas I feel hope, joy and most of all gratitude. It's not the return of these feelings, it is these feelings in a way I've never experienced them before.

Although the road was tough, actually, extremely painful, it is what has enabled me to feel this way.
If you are in a painful experience right now, keep going. Just keep going.

We are In This Time, for the Holidays. Instead of white-knuckling through, filled with fear, exhaustion and/or sadness, I have helpful ways that can shift things for you.

Give Yourself the Gift of Support.

#holidaystressless
#callyourcoach
#willcoachwithsantaheadbandon

Email: coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

Jennifer Washington
Certified Martha Beck Life Coach

What Now Life Coaching

www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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Is It All in Your Head?

12/11/2020

The Truth About Your Mind

Have you discovered, as I have, and as many on social media have, our ‘problem’ was NOT that we just needed more time?!

Most of us have been experiencing ‘having more time’ and now see that it has not solved our feeling of being rushed, anxious and like we’re not doing enough. Granted, a big dose of ‘something to worry about and something major to deal with’ has been dumped on us, which has added to our worry, that rushed feeling and that feeling we should be doing something.

Until We Rest Our Minds, Our Bodies Will Not
If you’ve had more time to sleep and have had fewer daily demands and find that you are still very tired, it’s probably because your mind won’t let you rest. It really may be all in your head. You may be experiencing the thoughts, emotions and your personal issues in a way you were too busy to notice before. You are no longer able to push them aside, until ‘later’ when you have more time.

Just Meditate
Have you tried meditation?
Have you tried walks in nature?
Have you downloaded a relaxation app?
How’s that working for you?
These are all great tools. It takes a long time to quiet a mind that has not been quiet for years

Our minds are also wonderful tools. Thinking has served us supremely well. But it is our self-determination based on our altruistic desires (best for self and all) that should, ideally, be running the show, not our minds. When your mind is ‘in charge’ it sets itself on attending to your survival needs, protecting and keeping you safe, but also narrowing possibilities and limiting your experiences.

When Your Mind Can Rest, Your Physical Body Will Be Able to Restore Itself
I have been practicing thought work and calming my mind with many techniques for over 10 years. I see the difference. I am different. I have been able to sleep reasonably well during these global events and all my personal concerns. Note: there will always be events and concerns. When your mind can rest even with events and concerns, your physical body will be able to rest and restore itself.

Once we are ‘fully’ rested, mind and body, we can go about expanding into who we really are, who we are meant to be, above and beyond your survival and protection.

If you find you need help with your thoughts, emotions, personal issues and/or you want to explore possibilities beyond your fear, contact me to set up a consultation.

coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

Jennifer Washington

Certified Martha Beck Life Coach

What Now Life Coaching

www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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How to Exorcise That Vague Haunted Feeling

24/10/2020

It is Halloween this week, so I thought it appropriate to talk about fear. Fear can be a motivator—exciting and adrenaline producing, OR it can paralyze—stunting our growth and forward progress.

Real (authentic) fear has a clear source and motivates clear action. Think: A zombie jumps out from the bushes! You will act to protect yourself. You will freeze (play dead), flee (run!) or fight (attack the zombie.) These are instinctual survival responses. You won’t have to process any thought.

Fake (inauthentic) fear is a blanket anxiety or worry that paralyses instead of mobilizing. Think: The darkness, the haunting music, the general atmosphere of suspense while wading through the halls of a haunted house. (or going to grocery store!) It is not clear how you are to protect yourself, but you know to keep your guard up. The feeling of unease literally haunts you.

Unfortunately, we are currently plagued by this vague, haunted fear feeling. Living in this time of heightened uncertainty, our vague fear is constantly on alert. When our brains are perceiving any kind of threat, they are sending us into some form of fight, flight or paralysis.

So, what’s a fun-seeking, resourceful, but slightly scared human to do?

Exorcising Your Fear
Once it is established that you are not in mortal danger (no real-life zombies are attacking you), you can get on with the business of deconstructing the haunting anxiety of this now regular life.

1) Thoroughly Research Your Fear
What, if anything is threatening you?
On a much more subtle level; what don’t you want to know? Facing up to something in your situation that needs to change in order for you to move forward in your life can be very scary.

2) Feel the Fear
The only thing worse than fear is the damage suffered when you’re afraid to feel it. There is an initial reaction to whatever is scaring you, and then a resistance to feeling scared, which increases anxiety, which further increases resistance, and so on. Denial is hard work. If you can, get quiet, close your eyes. Feel the fear feeling. Locate it in your body. Place your hand there. Breathe air around the feeling. Ask it for information. What is it trying to tell you? What does it want you to do or not do? Thank it for protecting you. Breathe and allow it to pass through. Act on any information given.

3) Reduce the Threat as Best You Can
Do your research. Learn what the actual risks and threats are surrounding you and study ways to reduce them. It is understandable that you want to throw up your hands, quit and/or take no precautions at all, but please, don’t let anxiety prevent you from experiencing a safe, yet full life.

4) Look at Fear as a Message
Fear is the raw material from which courage is manufactured. As you move through life—which is a series of overcoming obstacles and expanding boundaries, you’ll notice that fear is never absent. Fear can be looked at as a message that something needs to change. We can look at it as scary or we can look at it as a mystery or challenge to be solved. Once you've researched as much as you can and have reduced the threat to your life as much as you can, there will come a time when, in order to expand, grow and change for the better, you must make a leap (even a small step is heroic!). Do it.

5) Talk About It
The very act of voicing our fear(s), more often than not, puts them in perspective and they become manageable. At the very least, once we've gotten the fear out of our imagination, we see that it is not as large and scary as we thought. Having a sounding board, someone to reflect back to you what you are believing, can shift your belief and change your situation.

6) The Serenity Prayer
Accept the things you cannot change. Find the courage (help, resources, tools) to change the things you can. And understand the difference. We cannot control the actions or beliefs of another person, as much as we’d like to. You do you and give those who threaten your safety a wide berth.

There’s a school of thought that says anxiety is excitement turned inside out. As you exorcise fear and anxiety that appears as scary, zombie-like shadows in your way, you will become stronger and more resourceful. Quite possibly your life will become extremely exciting

Wherever you are and however it's happening for you,

🎃👻Happy Halloween!👻🎃

Need help, resources and/tools? Someone to talk to? Contact Me!

coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

Jennifer Washington

Certified Martha Beck Life Coach

What Now Life Coaching

www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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Sand to Pearls; 3 Transformation Steps

3/10/2020

“Life is just one damn thing after another.” The internet isn’t clear on whom to credit for this phrase, but it is a sentence to which we can relate.

When life is filled with a myriad of irritants, and maybe you’ve had more time to notice and feel them over these months (?), how does one choose which irritants to focus on? Or to put it another way, which grains of sand should we, with oyster capabilities already inside of us (the power to transform things) turn into pearls?

Area of Least Satisfaction/Most Pain
Maybe you don’t have one major irritant, or hardship going on, but several. A good way to start is to rate how much satisfaction you feel in each area of your life. Rate your level of satisfaction (or happiness)/least painful, on a scale of 1 to 10, in each of these categories:

1=not satisfied/most painful; 10=most satisfied/not painful
Job
Core Relationships
Finances
Physical Health
Emotional/Mental health

Sand to Pearls (Transformation Power Steps)
Once you’ve identified your least satisfying/most painful (lowest number) area, begin applying the transformation steps.

The Sand
Step One: Identify the Irritant
What, exactly is wrong in this area? What is the thing that is irritating you the most? Be honest. Write it all out. Let your inner child be as nasty or as petty as she wants to be.

Step Two: Neutralize the Irritant
What will it take for this area not to be irritating? Again, write out all of your ‘coulds,’ ‘shoulds’ and ‘if onlys.’ You can be as unrealistic as you want here. Brainstorm possibilities.

The Pearl
Step Three: Make a Choice
What are your choices? In every situation we have choices. Even in the midst of a pandemic, social upheaval and political craziness, we still have options and things we can and do control.
Read: Feeling Powerless? What Can You Control in the Midst of the Uncontrollable?

Change the situation or change yourself. Become the problem-solving creator. Choose something you wrote down in Step Two: Neutralize the Irritant. What did you write down that felt like ‘ah hah!’ or made you laugh or gave you a feeling of relief, hope or energy? Pursue that!

Bonus Step: Repeat
Choose the next least satisfying/most painful area and repeat the practice. As you practice this transformation process and produce more pearls, you will begin to view each irritant as a possibility.

The area of least satisfaction/most pain is where the biggest treasure lies. Do Not be afraid of the tough, dark, hard and heavy parts you may be walking through. I have found that my most painful experiences and most difficult relationships have been where I have acquired the most ‘treasure.’ When I have implemented my power to transform, these areas have made me more of who I am and have made my life better.

In the same way sand becomes a pearl, you are becoming, forming and being forged into a thing of beauty.

You are the oyster, a pearl-making laboratory. Your laboratory is run by universal intelligence. You already possess everything to produce pearls.

Need help with the transformation process? That’s what Life Coaches are for! I can help you be a pearl generator.

coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

Jennifer Washington

Certified Martha Beck Life Coach

What Now Life Coaching

www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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