What does nurturing mean?  Is it your job to nurture yourself or someone else’s?  What makes you feel nurtured?  Why is winter lasting so long?

These are the questions I’ve been living.  Because of my physical fatigue, I have had to look at ways to nurture myself and to look at how I am not taking care of myself.  I have been ‘programmed’ as I think most women are, to take care of everyone else first.  We can’t help it, it is wired into our being.  The trouble is we have added a whole lot of other stressful responsibilities to our nurturing activities which leaves us all depleted at the end of the day/week/month. 

At first I was tempted to use my physical tiredness as an excuse to opt out of life.  I could say no to everything and everyone and I’m not going to lie… I liked it!  Soon it occurred to me that I have choices.  Do I really want this to be my story?  How is this serving me or anyone else?  No!  I decided to be well.  To do what it takes to get well and to maintain a positive outlook to the best of my ability. 

The absolute biggest help has been talking!  I was not aware of how I had quit voicing my thoughts and feelings and what a detriment that is to my well being.  Apparently women are wired to talk too… who knew?!  Kidding!  It is now a proven scientific fact that healthy hormone levels increase in women when they talk.  But… and there is always one isn’t there? Talking for the sake of talking does not do it.  We need to feel heard.  The first genuine relief I experienced was when I hired a counselor.  Having a compassionate listener miraculously eased my pain and suffering.  Now, talking meaningfully with a good friend is a priority in my week.  It actually gives me energy.

I am careful what I say yes to.  I take care of what is necessary and the rest of the time I devote to things that make me feel happy, things I genuinely want to do.  I am learning to look closely at the  things I think I ‘should’ do.  Those are the killers!  I am learning to make friends with my body; to respond to it lovingly and attentively.  This is also something that women need to re-learn, but that is a whole other blog post! 

I am discovering that taking care of myself is taking care of others.   When I am whole and fulfilled ,  I have much more to offer to others as well, I have much more willingness to be of service.  And, maybe winter is lasting longer so that we can all have a longer rest period!  Who knows what will ‘spring’ up at the end of this.

I use a coaching tool called ‘the body compass’ which is a way of tuning into physical responses to get a ‘read’ on a thought or a situation.  My body compass has been sending me one steady message for several months, which I’ve ignored. I have been operating as usual, just pushing through, waiting to feel better, but not actually changing or doing anything differently. Lately, the fatigue has turned chronic, to the point of pain throughout my body. The message my body was sending me, through fatigue and general lack of enthusiasm, was “hey, your adrenal glands are depleted.”  When I didn’t listen, it turned up the volume.   I know, complicated stuff, right? Not!

I’ve had a confirming diagnosis – I knew something wasn’t right, but I needed ‘permission’ from an outside source to acknowledge it.  Why, why, why? I do not know;  this is how I operate. 

I have imagined this memo being sent to me by my adrenal glands; 

To whom it may concern:  You are hereby notified that the Adrenal Productivity Station is on shut down status.  After  years of taxing over production and use, the majority of adrenal workers are out on stress leave.  The few remaining workers are working in shifts to maintain minimum operations.  The energy factory now has limited hours of operation.  Production will start later in the day and shut down earlier in the evening until such time that workers recover and return to the factory.  All new energy projects have been put on hold.  Existing projects are being maintained or cut back until further notice.

It is very difficult for me to reduce activity, productivity and creativity.  I am in the habit of always having something on the go, in the works or pending.  Now I just do not have the resources to operate that way.  Luckily, I am aware that what is going on with me is what Martha Beck Coaching calls Square One – Meltdown Stage.  This is a life stage where things just can’t and don’t work the way they used to.  This is a time of melting down so a metamorphosis  process can happen.   I was a caterpillar slugging along my merry path, inch by inch, ‘making’ things happen.  I am now in a cocoon becoming caterpillar sludge.   This is an apt description of how I’m actually feeling!  The situation is teaching me to slow down, allow life to happen, instead of forcing it to happen.  I am learning that there is a way of doing without doing, going with the flow, that works much better than what I have been practicing, but I still need to learn the process, I am being forced to stop and learn.  At the end of this, assuming I don’t mess with the stages of growth, I may become a butterfly! 

I was off-line for 6 days and refrained from reading for 7 days.

I missed reading like one would miss an absent loved one.  I found myself wondering how the characters I had been reading about last week were doing.  I really longed to be with them.  I would often go to look something up in a reference book, or pick up a book from my shelf to revisit some passages and feel very disappointed when I remembered that was off limits for this week.   I also wanted to go on-line to research topics of immediate interest or concern.  I became acutely aware of how much time I dedicate to the written word.

I filled the week with more activity than usual.  I met a friend for coffee, another friend for dinner, I had a dinner party.  I painted a bathroom.  I went to two movies, I went for several evening walks.  I had more in-depth phone conversations.  I did more yoga and more mediation.  I even unearthed a tube of Doodle Art from high school and colored in a few spaces.  I also was confronted with my emotions and thoughts but instead of just shelving them as usual while I sought distraction on the internet or in a book, I faced them and ‘worked’ them as I coach my clients to do.  This has been a very revealing experience.  As a coach I am always telling others that your life is going according to your thoughts and beliefs and if you are not aware of your thoughts and beliefs you cannot make any changes in how your life goes.  This week I practiced what I preached more so than usual.

I opened my email this morning and there were 59 messages.  Only 6 of them required a response and were of a business/personal matter.  The remainder were mindless ‘forwards,’ blog posts from bloggers I follow, 2 Twitter notices (I have 2 new followers, for a total of...2!), 1 Facebook notice  (someone accepted my friend request!) and the rest were advertisements from sites I thought I had unsubscribed!

Conclusion:  Social media, the internet, being on-line is all a personal choice.  They are tools that are available for my interest, amusement, information, entertainment, but I control how much of my time I dedicate to them.  I have determined that I will limit my time and access because I was allowing it to be a bit too mindless, too habitual.  I discovered many other pleasant, creative ways to spend my time.  The time ‘off’  forced me out of my old habits and patterns and has inspired some new thoughts, ideas and ways of being.  It is like I’ve had a spring cleaning.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve some reading to do.

I am starting an experiment.  For one week I am going to refrain from reading, from email and from all social media (no posting or tweeting).  A fast from words.  'Giving up Lit for Lent.
I'm already sweating.  My name is Jennifer and I'm a read-aholic.  Anyone who knows me knows that I've several 'reads' on the go at a time.  There is a reading material in every room of my home, so that if I find myself in any room with any time, I have something to read!  I worked at a library just so I could be with books!
I intend to observe what happens to me and what I feel.  It will be interesting to see if anything creative emerges and what I do with my time.
I am allowing myself music books and recipe books to aid me when I want to play piano or guitar and when I want to cook.  I am also allowing writing implements and paper.
I start at midnight tonight until next Saturday at midnight.  If anyone truly desires to reach me, they will have to use that 'retro' appliance called the telephone or use the cell phone for 'phoning' instead of texting!  I anticipate I will have time to chat...the old fashioned way.
Any questions?  I'll read and answer them next week.
Prayers appreciated.