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Being Selfish

28/4/2015

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I’ve been called selfish, to my face, by people I love.  It used to cause me to dance to the tune of the one who said it, exactly as it was intended.  I used to believe it was a bad thing.

We’ve been handed a complex, relatively unspoken set of rules regarding societal expectations.  Because our (recent) origins stem from Puritan-Christian beliefs and our (deeper) origins stem from tribal customs we are quite ingrained with the message to put the welfare of others and ‘the group’ ahead of individual welfare.  While this certainly helped us, at first, survive as a species and more recently organize as a civilization, it appears that we now have a lot of individual dis-ease around being not worthy unless we are self-sacrificing.  I am referring to all-too-common feelings of inferiority, anxiety disorders, stress, depression all the way to auto-immune disorders and suicide.  I believe at the root of all of this is the belief that one is not enough and that we have to earn approval, our right to belong and essentially; to earn love.

Because we have so much exposure to what everyone else is doing (and thinking!) via social media and advertising we have a very heightened expectation of ourselves and what we ‘should’ be doing or what we ‘should’ be like and even what we ‘should’ desire.  Others telling us what is needed to belong.  We are wired to want to be part of our ‘tribe’ and our tribe is barraging us with messages, no wonder we are all feeling so shitty about ourselves.

Let’s look at being selfish.  Putting oneself ahead.  Putting oneself first.  Regarding oneself before considering others.  There is the most illustrative example of airlines cautioning us – on EVERY flight – in the event of air loss, place the oxygen-mask on yourself BEFORE assisting others.  How many of us, in our everyday lives, are assisting others while we are deprived?  Deprived of sleep. Deprived of proper nutrition, exercise, connection, support, etc.?  How many of us are so self-depleted from always saying yes, that we are angry, bitter, resentful and/or depressed?

Self-care is not the same as staying in a perpetual state of victim-hood and neediness. I got stuck here for a while.  Once a person’s well-being is nurtured then sustained OR the inner sense (knowing) of inherent value and trust in real needs always being met arises, then a sense of wanting to contribute – wanting to serve will be a natural outflow.

It is time to drop the notion that being selfish will lead to the downfall of society.  In fact, the opposite is reasoning that is not faulty.  When the individual and their particular need for well-being is properly considered, the contribution to society’s well-being, by that individual will be creative and abundant.  We need to start considering ourselves first.  What are you feeling?  Where does it hurt?  What do you really need?  What would happen if you said no?  Who would you be if you weren’t trying to please everyone and earn their love?  If they really love you, do you need to earn it?  Is needing what you need selfish?


 

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Experiencing A Different Paradise

15/4/2015

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I am currently on the island of Oahu at a raw food camp.  I’m not a raw foodist and I am most certainly not a camper.  My daughter is, however.  She and her fiancé volunteer for an organization called Woodstock Fruit Festival you can check out who they are and what they do here.  My intention for coming here was to spend time with my daughter and immerse myself in the world that she occupies, which is very different from the way we raised her.  Maybe some of you have children or people whom you love who are following a very different life plan than yours - you know what I mean.  For me it has been an ongoing lesson of acceptance and allowing.  Sometimes painful, sometimes beautiful.  Because, loving someone seems to imply loving the same things and when you don’t have much in common, how do you relate?  My understanding is definitely expanding and changing.

Even though I don’t follow the lifestyle that my daughter and this group are passionate about, we are all still people and I can certainly relate to that.  No matter how passionate you are about your path, life gives us challenges and there are no exceptions here.  Really understanding and loving someone allows you to be o.k. with their choices, even when they are not like yours.

This is not a difficult place to be.  I sleep and wake to the sound and amazing view of the ocean.  There is sand and sun right outside my building – no tent for me!  All of my meals are prepared, consisting of everything fresh and organic in abundance.  And, I don’t have to do dishes.  My idea of paradise for sure.

Traveling alone, rooming with someone I’ve never met from a different continent, eating food in a way I don’t normally eat it, on a schedule that isn’t mine has most certainly pushed me out of my comfort zone.  I am surprised how quickly I’ve adapted and how easily I can enjoy myself, when I just allow it.  There is much to learn from a group of people that I don’t know anything about.  Is there a better way to understand them than hanging out in their world for a week?  Will I take some of what I've experienced here home with me?  How can I not?  Experience changes.

I am so proud of my daughter and the effort it took for her to become exactly who she’s meant to be, in spite of the expectations we handed her.  She is happy and beautiful.  She is lovingly spreading healing wherever she goes and in turn is surrounded by so much love and support.  A mother couldn’t be happier.


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    On my journey back to wholeness I have explored many modalities and can honestly say the What Now Life Coaching session was one of the most illuminating (yet non-invasive) interactions I've had.

    Jennifer used an interesting variety of tools to further guide me towards my "North Star" (soul's calling) and I walked away feeling grounded, comforted, validated and inspired.
    ​
    -Angela, Shaman.

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