Blog Archives

Part of the Herd (Part One)

28/4/2016

Mary and Beth live in a small town and are very active in their community, as were their parents before them. The feeling of belonging and to some extent, being seen as pillars is quite gratifying for them both. But, Mary and Beth are experiencing internal resistance and no small amount of fear as they endeavour to fulfill their personal desires.

Jacki and June, very successful, accomplished women visit their mother in their former home town regularly. Their mother, believing she is voicing care and concern, criticises them—everything from their finances to their children. Jacki and June depart their mothers’ company emotionally exhausted.

What is going on?

We associate with many types of groups or ‘herds.’ We ‘belong’ to our family group, our work group, our social group, our online group and various clubs and organizations. And within these groups we quickly learn the rules and codes of conduct within the group in exchange for acceptance and inclusion—something we are wired to need.

But, what about family and long standing friend groups where the ‘rules’ are difficult to define because they have evolved over years and many experiences that they are so interwoven into our behaviour that we don’t really notice them.? And, what if the payoff for being accepted and included is actually destructive?

Mary and Beth have a generalized feeling of fear around their thoughts “What will people think if I lose weight, seek therapy, quit volunteering, put my needs ahead of the group?” that keeps them from pursuing their goals and desires. Jackie and June find it easier to just play their roles as dutiful, somewhat inept children instead of confronting their mother with truth that contradicts her judgements about them. All of these ladies are suffering bouts of resentment, sadness, anger and are feeling stuck.

The reason the group dynamic is so important and influential, again, stems back to survival. We needed the group to keep us fed, protected and to teach us how not to die. But, into adulthood, if we want to be able to express our individual selves fully—which is beneficial to the individual as well as the group, we must leave the familiarity of the herd and explore our capabilities. We do that naturally around the age of two, as teenagers, and then again when we enter adulthood and strike out on our own, if we haven’t been severely inhibited at any of those natural junctures.

You’ll know it’s time for you to challenge the Herd when:

You feel stuck, tired and/or resentful. When we are not free to express ourselves it shows up at the physical level. If it continues, the physical symptoms get worse.

2. You get excited about something you want to create or institute and it is met with disapproval, criticism, stonewalling, etc. —anything other than curiosity, interest and or encouragement. If you are with the people who ‘get’ you and are interested in you being your best self, this is the only kind of reactions your ideas should get.

3. You have made a change or created something new and the group responds by making you feel bad about yourself or they accuse you of making them feel bad about themselves. We call this switchback attack. The herd gets annoyed because their comfortable way of being has been disturbed.

So why should we challenge the herd?

What happened to Beth, Mary, Jacki and June?

Part Two next week!

In the mean time, I invite you to review your current ‘herd’ membership experience.

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When To Talk

21/4/2016

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Talk

Even when

you think no one cares

It’s not important to anyone else

you’ve said it before

you’re scared – especially when you’re scared!

it might offend, hurt or upset someone

it won’t make a difference

You’re done talking when

you don’t need to talk about it anymore.

you feel heard,

understood,

cared about.

you’re not scared anymore.

You’re no longer hurt, offended or upset

It’s made all the difference to you

Need to Talk?

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The Fastest Way to Get Where You Want To Go

14/4/2016

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My client, Sharon, a highly motivated and accomplished professional, works all day alone in her home office. She travels occasionally for her business. She’s struggling with being alone, but dating has been a nightmare. “I want companionship,” she says somewhat defensively.

At a recent coffee with my friend, a hard working, also highly accomplished person, exclaimed, with much frustration, “What I want is ‘over there’ and I’m ‘here.’ How do I get what I want?!”

My business is mostly about helping people get where they want to go. They have desires and hurdles to overcome in order to fulfill them. I have a natural tendency to become easily bored and have an itch to do the next thing, achieve something or create something and become easily frustrated ‘getting there.’ The two most helpful practices for anyone, myself included are: 1) Be Where You Are and 2) Tell your story

1) The quickest, most effective way to get where you want to go is to Be Where You Are. This is the most frustrating practice for most folks, me included. We truly believe we can effectively rush and skip steps to arrive where we want to without adjustments and experiencing growing/changing pains. But noticing and experiencing are precisely the processes that are teaching you how you get ‘there’ and ‘be’ the person you need to be when you do. The example my daughter likes to use is; If you are interested in a University level subject, you have to learn everything in Grades 1 – 12 first. You might get to skip a grade, but If you try to skip today’s classes, you arrive unprepared for the next, higher classes.

The most helpful thing for Sharon, in our session, was her realizing that she was resisting what it will take for her to potentially meet a partner. In fact, Sharon saw that much of her self-improvement motivation was to avoid facing her resistance. We did no further ‘work.’ Sharon will spend some time just noticing her resistance thoughts and actions. Realization and understanding is a great first ‘be where you are’ step for Sharon.

2) Tell Your Story

People are becoming increasingly isolated. Being connected to our devices, even though we think we are connected to our people, is not fulfilling our innate need for interdependence. Talking directly to a friend or relative does so much good for us physiologically. It keeps us healthy in so many ways. The most important part of telling your story to someone, especially a few consistent someones – a best friend, sibling, parent, coach, therapist, etc. – is that you can track your story. You and they can see your progress or where you are stuck. This kind of self-awareness, self-reflection has been and continues to be the practice that has helped me the most. I have a few close friends and some health practitioners that keep me from slipping into, what is for me, habitual negative thinking patterns. Writing/journaling are great beginner steps if you are not ready for the intimacy/trust of sharing with another.

With my friend, at coffee, I was able to give her examples of how far she’d come, how much progress she had made since the last time we’d talked. She, like all of us, is so busy inside of her own experience she has not noticed the incremental, yet accumulative steps that have helped her progress toward her desires.

The therapist I visited recently was very adamant that I acknowledging how much work I have put into my mental health and how much progress I’ve made. She also stressed the importance of sharing my story with others, because you never know who may be helped by it—another significant and important reason for sharing your story.

And that, dear ones, is why I write today. You may find help with finding your progress through your own struggles here: "Depression Your Personal Message."

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What's at the Core of Your Caring?

7/4/2016

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Katie came to me because she was overwhelmed with a number of projects on the go. they were all things she was excited about, but the responsibility that she had assumed for the projects was weighing her down, literally. After a few minutes of conversation, it was apparent that included in Katie’s responsibilities were all her relationships. In fact, Katie felt mostly responsible for, well, everyone.

I asked Katie to close her eyes and imagine that everyone in her life was perfectly fine and there was just her and her projects to take care of. Katie visibly relaxed. For about a second. The very next words out of her mouth were, “Oh, yeah, and there’s my brother! He’s going to need me to help him.” I stopped Katie immediately. I asked her to observe what just happened there. We laughed hysterically.

This is all too common with the highly sensitive, emotionally intelligent people I work with. They are susceptible to caring burnout. In order to solve this particular issue, it is important to get to the root of why one is taking on the burden of caring for others’ well being to the point of self detriment. The way you get to that root, is honest inquiry. A good coach, therapist, trained facilitator will be able to help you unravel the tangle of thoughts and emotions and their origins to get to why caring so much is working for you. Yes, I said, it’s working for you, because we only repeat behaviour if we are getting some sort of payoff. In Katie’s case, over-caring was keeping her distracted from her own fear. And like most of us, there was more than one fear involved.

What’s even more freeing than releasing fear is the discovery of the deeper truth under that fear. I believe at core of care-giver burnout is fundamental goodness that goes by many names; The Divine Feminine or Goddess Energy are two of them. No matter what it’s called, there is in parents, partners, teachers, nurses, therapists of any kind, this vein of nurturing energy that exists to assist. It is intended only for good, but it, like so much of our inherent goodness, gets muddled and twisted. When we are burnt out from care-giving, or our care-giving is a substitute for self-awareness and self-care, then it is being mishandled.

In order to ‘un-muddle’ it, one starts with a belief in one’s own goodness and connectedness to source. When Katie relaxes enough to sense an underlying core of strength and support from a source greater than herself she can then and only then, grasp that this same support and strength exists for all of her loved ones. Once this has been established she can see her ‘helping’ nature as a place where she can create a safe environment where growth can happen, naturally, spontaneously. For herself and all of her loved ones. Picture a boss or teacher. Imagine this person enumerating your mistakes and flaws, but insisting they are helping you to improve. How do you feel? How do you behave? Now imagine you are in the presence of someone who thinks you are wonderful. They praise your accomplishments and efforts and listen with understanding when you voice your faults or mistakes. How do you feel? How do you behave? In which environment are you most likely to blossom? Attempt to expand? Try new things? Whom are you likely to go to for advice?

I pointed out to Katie that when we rush in to ‘fix’ or ‘rescue’ others, even our own children, we are essentially giving them the message; “you aren’t capable.” Or “you can’t be trusted.” Sure it feels good the first few (hundred) times, but when that person’s happiness becomes your responsibility, then it’s a problem. For both of you.

There are a number of exercises I present at this point all addressing the issue of interdependence bordering on codependence. A relationship becomes codependent when one partner is more emotionally invested, gets little relationship support in return and/or where there is some addiction or abuse present. Katie will experiment with some new thoughts and actions with a curious, open attitude to see what feels the best.

When you’re tempted to don your red hero’s cape, pause to consider these much used examples: 1) it is important to put the oxygen mask on yourself, before attempting to assist others. 2) Is it Your business, Their business or God’s business? 3) Even mother birds push their babies out of the nest.

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Part of the Herd (Part One)

When To Talk

The Fastest Way to Get Where You Want To Go

What's at the Core of Your Caring?

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