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The Only Way Out is Through

25/4/2018

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Knowing is Not the Same as Experiencing
My two daughters left home at the same time. They moved from the family home to another city. My husband and I were involved in every step of the process of setting them up at school, finding a secure place for them to live, gathering all the supplies they would need for living independently. I had read so much about empty-nesting and how to navigate transition and was actually looking forward to the next stage of my life. None of this prepared me for the blow, emotionally and physically that I felt leaving them and driving back to our home. I was devastated. Then I was shocked and angry because, damn it! I KNEW all about this. Shouldn’t I somehow be exempt from these feelings and having to go through this ‘right-of-passage?’
 
You may be going through some dramatic, or even not so dramatic, life change and experiencing the pain of the adjustments; divorce, job-loss, retirement, empty-nest, etc. Even great transitions, like a move, a new home, a new job can put us into the transition cycle.
 
But, knowing about something is not the same as experiencing it and we can’t escape the experience of life transitions. All we can do is be aware of what the phases are and what to and not to do in each phase.
 
Much like the grieving process, there are steps in transition.


1. The Change. Any event that shifts a major portion of your life. Things can’t be put back the way they were because change or loss has happened.
       DO:
  • Rest.
  • Be gentle with yourself.
  • Allow all the emotions.
  • Find support.
  • Talk it out.
  • DON'T:
  • make any sudden, permanent decisions. Your thoughts and feelings are going to change like the weather for quite a while.
  • Act ‘as if’ the growth or loss hasn’t happened. 
 
2. Experimentation. This is where you come to terms, somewhat, with things being different and start to entertain possibilities. We ‘try on’ new behaviours, attitudes and experiences we weren’t aware of or didn’t have time for before. 
       DO:
  • Experiment with everything from new hairstyle, clothes, diet, exercise to new friends, clubs, activities.
  • DON'T 
  • decide anything permanently. Trying new experiences is to help discover what the ‘new’ you really wants to become. Much of what seems exciting may soon lose its appeal, because it’s just not you, and you’re not you, yet. (liminal spaces)

3. Implementation. We now have some new activities or habits occupying our time. This can be an adjustment period for others who are used to us being a certain way and we must adjust to how we see and do things differently.
  • DO:
  • take your time and get things ‘just right.’ This is your life, after all, you get to decide how it will go.
  • DON'T
  • believe that you’re done adjusting. Tweaking the new you will take time.

4. The New Permanent. The cycle has been completed and you have a new normal. 
       DO:
  • enjoy yourself and your life, you’ve weathered a transition and you are better for it.
       DON’T:
  • be surprised when another transition happens.

I struggled with the ‘empty-nest’ stage. I denied just how difficult it really was and I think that prolonged it. The thing is, in order to get to a happy, ‘New Permanent,' I had to go through the tough process, otherwise I would still be hanging on to what can never be again, robbing myself of what’s great about now.
 
Again, knowing the steps and what to expect WILL NOT exempt us from going through the process to become different. We need to adapt (we are awesome adapters!). Change is how we grow and learn and become more of who we are meant to be.

Be gentle, be patient, be observant. Get support.​



Need Help with a Transition?
​Email:
 coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com
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Jennifer Washington Certified Martha Beck Life Coach 
What Now Life Coaching 
www.whatnowlifecoaching.com 

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So, Why Won't You Leave a Terrible Situation?

19/4/2018

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The woman married to the abusive spouse; Why doesn’t she just leave?
The man in a relationship with a substance abuser; Why does he put up with it?
The employee with the narcissistic boss; There are other jobs, why don’t you apply?
 
The solutions seem obvious, but what stops us from taking action, especially in a terrible situation?
 
1) The Familiar Seems Safer Than the Alternative
We’re wired for safety. Anything unknown is potentially dangerous. The survival signal can’t be shut off, and that’s a good thing, but we can strengthen the connection and communication with the ‘higher,’ reasoning part of our brain that is able to dissemble what’s currently happening and incorporate experience with possible potentials. Our tricky survival brain tells us that our potential future, somewhere else, is probably darker, scarier and more negative than our current one. That’s where the ‘work’ comes in. We can envision positive, better future outcomes, but it takes practice.
 
2) We’re Tired

Change is not for the weary. It takes energy to enact any change. To change direction and then impel momentum requires much. If you’re already bone-weary from enduring your current, intolerable situation, you will be understandably reluctant to embark on a seemingly epic challenge.
 
Best Steps for Leaving a Terrible Situation
 
Step One: REST. Rest. Then rest some more. It’s the single most important step.

 
Step Two: Allow the fear voice, then counter with alternatives, that ‘feel’ possible. Any possibility that feels difficult will just trigger the fear resistance. Starting small is the key.  

 
Step Three: Small, micro-changes. The very smallest change can be a counter-thought. A hopeful thought triggers a chemical reaction in your body, that feels ‘safe’ or good. This is the beginning of actual change. The safer and better you feel, the more likely you will be able to enact an outward, physical change. As soon as you see a hopeful alternative, move toward it.
 
Step Four: Gather support. You’ve most likely systematically isolated yourself because of pain and shame. Join a support group. Finding others who have been where you are and learning from their journey will help immensely. Get a counsellor, coach, mentor that can walk with you through the process of change and give you non-judgmental support. (Compassionate Witnessing) The most successful people have support ON the journey.

Will you completely eliminate fear? No. But, you will have the inner and outer resources of rest, awareness and support to  move in a positive direction.

It’s Difficult to Envision a Happy Future When We’re Alone and Scared

It’s been said that we’ll change when staying in our circumstances feels more painful than the fear of leaving. But in my experience, we’ll take the steps to change our difficult situations when we feel safe, supported and encouraged.
​
Is This You?
Do You Need Support?
I have been through this.
This is what I do as a coach.
​I offer support, relief and information on the journey through difficult circumstances.

Email: coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com
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​Jennifer Washington Certified Martha Beck Life Coach 
What Now Life Coaching 
www.whatnowlifecoaching.com 

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So, That Happened; My Winter Roundup

4/4/2018

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My Winter Roundup

Here we are, into the 4th month of 2018! My year got off to a galloping start. I suspect the same is true for you.
 
Quarterly Intentions
I began 2018 with more intentional goal-setting. My friend Laureen (Art & the Kitchen) and I began doing three-month intention worksheets together, instead of New Year resolutions, to support and encourage each other. We enjoyed it so much we decided to invite people to play along with us and we created a Facebook group! We’ve been having great fun.
 
All of the projections and intentions I wrote down in January have already happened in just 3 months! The major intentions I wrote out were: Have More Fun—which translated into a once/month game night with friends, a date night to a dinner theatre and a two-week vacation in Mexico. Under More Self-Care; 2 massages and regular nap times!
 
The Next Intentions are Set
The next 3-month intentions have been noted with lots of room open for happy surprises.  I’m busy working on an exciting project. Some travel is already booked, and I have scheduled in more fun. I’m almost ready for the next quarter!
 
In Case You Missed It
This past quarter I wrote about: Overwhelm, here. What happens (maybe) when we do things differently, here. The answer to all our problems, here. Creating a life you love, here. Roles changing, here and what I know about weight loss, here & here.
 
How is your year going? I'd love to hear about it.
​
Use the "Comment" space below!
​ or

Email: coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

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1 Comment

    On my journey back to wholeness I have explored many modalities and can honestly say the What Now Life Coaching session was one of the most illuminating (yet non-invasive) interactions I've had.

    Jennifer used an interesting variety of tools to further guide me towards my "North Star" (soul's calling) and I walked away feeling grounded, comforted, validated and inspired.
    ​
    -Angela, Shaman.

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