The question I’ve been living lately is; “Can you be nice and be happy?”  I’m starting to think the answer is no.  I discovered something new about myself.  In my efforts to be ‘nice’ the way my mom raised me, meant that I had to say yes to things that I didn’t really want to do because it was worth it to make others happy.  I discovered this week, that sure, I did that, in a way I always assumed made me look good, all martyr-like.  But, I discovered that the consequence is not pretty or even nice.  In every situation where I ‘sacrificed’ myself I would end up feeling resentful toward the person I was trying to make happy and in some way I would make them pay. They would owe me.  Or my body would suffer with headaches and pain. This week, when I actually said no to being nice and to doing the “right” thing, I discovered, on the other side of a huge struggle within myself, a real freedom.

The struggle I had was trying to justify my reasons for saying no- why it was bad of the other person for imposing on me. I was asked my opinion, I kindly gave it, but all of my requests were ignored.  I then struggled to find a win/win solution (I over use this strategy..I’m just sayin.. )which actually meant a compromise for everyone involved.  Finally I accepted that I was not nice.  I actually thought if I admitted this that God  would send angels to tell me He and they knew it all along, they were just waiting for me to realize it and now it was time to drag me away to my eternal punishment.  I waited but the angels and the voice of God never happened.  So I carried on and did what I wanted to do and did not do what I thought was being expected of me.  Then came the revelation.  Letting go of being nice and doing what I wanted to do made me happy.  I wasn’t ‘sticking it’ to anyone, I was not defending any territory.  I was putting myself first.  Then something miraculous happened.  I became generous and giving of my own free will, not because I had to.  And I was free, because even if I was not more generous and giving, the other person is fine.  Their happiness is not my responsibility!  And my happiness is not their responsibility. 

I admit I have judged people, especially women around me, who appeared selfish by putting their wants and desires above others; above being hospitable.  But, those were my perceptions and expectations.  I have no idea what was going on with them.  They may have been feeling overwhelmed; with no energy to spare on anyone…I now get that!  I can no longer push myself through situations the way I did before.  My body simply will not allow it.  I am saying no more and more and finding I am getting happier and freer.  When someone says no, believe them.  If you are saying yes, just to be nice, you may just be forfeiting happy.

A challenging subject to put into….words.  “Picture” this: imagination, images, visions, dreams.  This is the language of our essential selves.  We spend most of our time thinking logically, reasoning,  problem solving and that is primarily using the left side of our brains.  Every now and again the right side makes an appearance or gets some attention when we are sleeping, deeply involved in something manual, when we are daydreaming or even when we’re showering.  Ideas, pictures, visions ‘come’ to us and we sense immediately it is not something we consciously assembled.  This is where I am learning to spend more of my time.  This is the language that is leading me to my right life,  to my happiness.

I have always been fascinated with dream analysis.  I read many books about universal symbols and meanings and I loved to study ways to decipher my dreams.  I dream a lot and vividly.  The recurring dreams always give me clues to the challenges in my life and insight into myself.  Martha Beck’s ‘version’ of dream analysis is based on Carl Jung’s method which allows the objects in dreams to describe themselves and what their meaning and purpose is.  It is very cool and I use it all of the time.

I spend time making vision boards, writing out my ideal life and making lists of people I want to meet, places I want to visit and experiences I want to have.  I have had fascinating things happen to me doing this.  I’ve told the story before of how I put Martha Beck’s picture on my bulletin board long before I knew she taught Life Coaching.  Within a few weeks of putting up that picture, I won tickets to a women’s event at which she was speaking. A few months after that I was enrolled in her Life Coaching school and a few months after that I was sitting at her table at her coach training seminar!  At that time, I had a picture of a banquet room on my bulletin board, which had no meaning to me at the time I put it up, but it matched perfectly the banquet room I was in when seated with Martha at that seminar!

I’ve had ‘feelings’ in my body many times in my life where change was about to occur.  I ‘knew’ the house we would buy when I was pregnant with our first daughter, the moment we stepped across the threshold.  I had a tuning fork-like vibration go through my body when I entered the new library in my neighbourhood and ‘knew’ I would work there.  When I took my first piano lessons, 15 years ago, I sat in my teacher’s piano room and said “I can do this.” ..meaning, be a piano teacher – I had at that point never taken a piano lesson in my life  and 7 years after that, I became a piano teacher.

The visions that are ‘coming’ to me now are about being on a journey, but getting blocked by an avalanche, trekking up a mountain, but stopping to build a cocoon and rest, laying down weapons and unfastening my armor…I figure these are ‘signs’ that I’m in a resting stage…?!

Our inner selves always have our best interests at heart.  We are constantly being communicated with, but the question is, are we listening?  The more I ‘see’ and listen ‘in’ the happier I’m becoming.