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Who Wins The Race of Life?

30/5/2018

It is so easy to get caught up in compare and despair--measuring our current life or self against someone who seems so much better and we fall into misery. Or FOMO--fear of missing out; where we believe ‘everyone’ is somewhere, doing something amazing and we should be doing something!

It is essential, especially in this social-media driven world we are confronted with incessantly, to know who we are and what make us happiest.

Who Wins? It Depends
In my coach training, Martha Beck told this story of a race between four animals; an otter, a mole, a squirrel and a mouse. We were asked to guess which one would win? The answer is;
it depends on the goal and the terrain. If the goal is underground, then the mole would win. If it’s in a tree, then the squirrel. Underwater, the otter wins. And, if the goal is hidden in tall grass, the mouse would be the sure winner.

If I recall correctly, the metaphor was used to introduce the idea of pursuing employment, education and aligning life goals based on our natural interests and talents and to team up with those whose strengths complement our own. I’m going to apply the metaphor to self-esteem/self-worth.

Beware Compare and Despair
Do you think the otter is feeling bad about himself because he sees the squirrels yucking it up in the tree tops? Does the mouse have low self-esteem because the otters gather on the weekend for a swim meet? Do you think the mole should just force himself to hang out in the daylight until he learns to love it? This, seriously, folks is what we do when we observe others doing ‘their thing’ and feel bad because it’s not ours.

The Real Winner, You Being You
Be happy for the people out there enjoying themselves. Then you go out (or stay in!) and enjoy what you enjoy! Post pics of that! Who cares if anyone else thinks it’s lame! We don’t want to see fake you doing fake things trying to make us think you are living the life. If you’re having to pretend you like who you’re with and what you’re doing you must be experiencing hell on Earth. Sure, if you show your true colours, you might lose friends or have to make some changes, but really!? Doesn’t giving up pretending feel like it would be awesome?!

I want to see who you are, doing what you like and showing what makes you, you! Of course, if you are an otter, and all the otters are hanging out without you, then, yes! figure out a way to become part of the otter club. But, if you know you are a mole, stop trying to not be a mole.

The real winner of the race (life) is the one who can freely and fully expresses his true self.

Questions? Comments? I love hearing from you.

Email: coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

Jennifer Washington Certified Martha Beck Life Coach
What Now Life Coaching
www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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Shame on You? Signs, Symptoms & Solutions

23/5/2018

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Shame is based on a perception of failure, of not measuring up, either to your own, usually unrealistic, standard or the ‘rules’ of your society or community. Brene Brown says, “Instead of feeling that we have done something bad, with shame, we feel we are bad.”

I perceived I was ‘bad,’ very early on. Any discipline I received reinforced my belief, proving it was true. The way I viewed religion also went through this filter. ('I am bad/broken and in need of saving.).

This foundational shame state showed up particularly strong in my unrealistic expectations of marriage and motherhood. When the inevitable problems of life and relationships cropped up in my home, I inappropriately reacted, believing that problems meant I was doing ‘it’ wrong and any discomfort or pain experienced by others was my fault. I rushed in to smooth over, solve, eliminate any discomfort or flaws. All the while, making certain we outwardly appeared to be doing fine. I could think of no greater pain than being judged as a bad wife/mother.

Signs and Symptoms of Shame

Don’t Trust Your Inner Compass
People who feel shame look outside themselves for direction and instruction. We have difficulty deciding what’s right for oursselves. Because we believe we’re fundamentally wrong or bad, we can’t trust our own inner guidance system.

Constant Self-Improvement
Shame leads us to constantly trying to be better, to fix what we believe is something wrong with us. Searching for ‘truth’ outside of ourselves about ourselves is constant because we’re forever searching for a state where we feel we’re enough.

Lack of Personal Space and Boundaries
Very often relationships are painful because we believe our emotions, instead of vehicles of information (see Understanding Human Emotions), are warning signals there is something wrong with us. Because we can’t trust our feelings, we conclude we are too sensitive, and any conflict must be due to our deficiencies. We overly accommodate, stuffing down our needs and wishes, believing we need to make others happy.

Need for Approval and Validation
People with shame are usually high achievers because approval from outside feels amazing. Unfortunately, the glow from outside approval doesn’t last long, so we must constantly be working to continually get outside approval and validation that we are doing a good job.

Isolation & Criticism
Because the voice of judgement in our heads is so strong, and we never want our flaws noticed, we keep to ourselves so as not to be ‘discovered’ as lacking. If you find yourself highly critical of others, it could be because your inner criticism is loud.

The work to keep everything and everyone in my home ‘looking good,’ and constantly happy/comfortable so I couldn’t be judged as deficient (not perfect), required extreme amounts of energy that eventually brought me to exhaustion. And that was the good news. I had to face that it was my beliefs about myself and the ‘rules’ I made that were off. I had to realize that there is no perfect, I can only take responsibility for myself and there is just life.

How to Overcome Shame

Come Out of Hiding
The first and best step is to share our negative, self-critical thoughts with another person, someone who’s non-judgemental. Spend time sorting through your thoughts and feelings. What would you say to your friend having these thoughts and feelings? Spend time with other people, so that you can see for yourself that non-perfect people can still be happy.

Catch Yourself Abdicating/Take Responsibility for Choice and Actions
Step two is be aware of seeking guidance from outside of yourself. It’s ok to gather information for the purposes of comparing or deciding if something is helpful to you, but don’t use anothers' judgement of what is right for you in place of our own inner guidance. There is no abdicating responsibility for our choices; we can’t blame others for our ultimate decisions and actions.

Learn to Love Mistakes
There is no perfect way of doing life. And, that’s not the point. Mistakes simply mean that we discovered something that wasn’t true. Mistakes are information, not judgements of worth. Mistakes are how we learn about life.

Be Kind and Patient
Learning self-compassion is not easy, but it is the only way to move away from shame. An infinite amount of ‘approval’ from outside can’t fix shame, it is an inside job. I have a practice of giving myself approval and encouragement daily. It felt awkward and false at first, but I got used to it, and it helps immensely keeping my thoughts and feelings in line with reality.

In desperation, I was finally willing to admit that what I was doing wasn’t working and in fact, I was probably making things worse. Once I realized and accepted that my worst fear was being wrong, I could see how shut down I was. I developed my own objective thinking practices as well as self-awareness, acceptance, compassion and eventually self-forgiveness. The practice of trusting my inner-self is on-going.

Questions? Comments? I love hearing from you.

Email: coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

Jennifer Washington Certified Martha Beck Life Coach
What Now Life Coaching
www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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Let Go of Wishy-Washy. Define the Goal That's Right For You

16/5/2018

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The week before last, I wrote about noticing your constant state of uneasiness. I encouraged you to start questioning it. (That Troubled, Uneasy Feeling.) Here are some hopefully helpful, steps you can use to move away from that constant uneasiness toward knowing who you are and what you want.

Identify What Messages are For You
What is your heart’s desire? Whiter teeth? More shoes? To lose 20 pounds? These, and things like them, are very rarely the desires of our hearts. Advertisers and product sellers are skilled at triggering your feelings of lack. Their strategy is to convince you that you desire the products. Those desires are mostly the bi-product of the feelings and beliefs we actually want to have, but the specific items themselves are not the desire.

1) Get Specific
Instead of having to wade through the layers of thoughts, superficial wants and subliminal beliefs you may have picked up over years, there is a simpler way:

2) Define a Goal or a Vision
Pick a goal you want to work toward and write it out or pin up a picture of something you desire.

3) Know Your Why
Define the real reasons you want to attain that goal or manifest the vision. What is your motivation? Be honest. What feeling are you going to have when you are doing or having this thing? What will you believe about yourself in this future state/condition?

4) Act As If
When you are or have obtained or are doing this ‘thing,’ what are your actions? What words are you using? How are you living your life? Now, start acting as if you are already ‘there.’ Embody that person.

Once you get clear on what it is you truly desire, you will naturally begin to eliminate what isn’t that. In fact, you literally won't see anything that doesn’t align with your vision/goal. (The Colour Blue) It eliminates whole chunks of information that simply don’t apply, freeing up so much more energy to get where we want to go. The brain is cool like that.

Let Wishy-Washy Go
Let go of wishy-washy, I-don’t-know options. If it’s not a definite ‘yes!’ then, it’s a no. Don’t waste further energy going nowhere. Instead of having the outside, greater society dictate who, what and how we should be, we take that power back and the uneasiness goes away.

Pick a goal. Get a Vision. Align Actions with Desires. Spend time each day, even if it’s just 10 minutes, on something that will bring you a step closer to your true desire. Invest in it. Invest time, energy, money, everything you can think of in big and small ways.

Questions? Comments? I love hearing from you.

Email: coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

Jennifer Washington Certified Martha Beck Life Coach
What Now Life Coaching
www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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I Still Need More Rest Than I Think I Do

9/5/2018

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I give you this photo posted by Glennon Doyle, of a mom attending to what’s most important; her restoration!

I no longer have a ‘mom’ schedule but I wish I had listened more to my body and stopped to rest more often when I did have that schedule.

Even now, I have the luxury of more of my own time, but I still push myself to produce and accomplish.

I am currently on a mountain resting and relaxing, but, I came here with the intention of getting a whole lot of creative work done. My body had other plans. It took me a couple of days to clue in that I can’t keep pushing myself.

I still need reminding that the masculine way of making a plan and ‘gettin ‘er done’ does not work for me! I need more rest than I think I do and I need more quiet time than I am comfortable with. My body knows and literally stops me in my tracks until I 'get' it.

What about you?
Will you give yourself permission to rest?
To stop?
To attend to what your body and your spirit are asking for?

Email: coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

Jennifer Washington Certified Martha Beck Life Coach
What Now Life Coaching
www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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That Troubled, Uneasy Feeling

2/5/2018

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Do you carry around a vague uneasiness? A constant feeling of “I should be doing something, fixing something, becoming something, accomplishing something,” etc.?

Like you, I am inundated with information from multiple sources each day and into the night. There is so much available to us that we can’t possibly process it all, consciously, anyway. This leaves us feeling like we are spinning our wheels, never getting anywhere, because there is always something else to do or get.

The thing is, none of the pressure is coming from our inner desires. Our survival instinct is constantly being triggered by messages of scarcity from advertisers and attack messages from news media. This causes us to feel continually on edge.

Here Are Some ‘Peace of Mind’ Questions to Consider:
Whose voice is in your head?
What is it telling you?
How do you feel, generally?
Does your worry match your reality? (as in, if you look around your immediate surroundings, are you in danger? Are you lacking the necessities of life?)
What will really happen if you’re late?
What happens when you do nothing?

Guess what? You get to decide what is worth your precious energy and time. Is the drive you feel in your life coming from inside of you or is it from your family or society? If the ‘getting there’ is in no way enjoyable, then it may be time to re-consider the where it is you are going and why.

I am surrounded by abundance and am enjoying working on and toward things that I desire. There is a balance, however, around feeling satisfied with and accepting of where I am now and where I want to go and things I want to accomplish, that I still struggle with. I easily get caught up into feelings of ‘not enough.’

What about you?

More on finding and aligning with your inner desires next week in Part Two.

Email: coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com

Jennifer Washington Certified Martha Beck Life Coach
What Now Life Coaching
www.whatnowlifecoaching.com

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Who Wins The Race of Life?

Shame on You? Signs, Symptoms & Solutions

Let Go of Wishy-Washy. Define the Goal That's Right For You

I Still Need More Rest Than I Think I Do

That Troubled, Uneasy Feeling

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