One of my real passions is reading.  I love books.  I worked at a library.  I own a valid library card and have a long list of holds placed at my local outlet. I visit “Chapter’s” every week.  I stare at the displays.  I touch the books.  I read the synopsises (?) of the ones that grab my attention.  I sometimes buy them, but most often add them to my ‘books-to-reserve-at-the-library’ list.

Summer is the best time for stocking up on good reads.  If it’s raining, it’s the perfect excuse to curl up with a book.  If it’s sunny, there’s nothing better than sitting outside reading.

Here is a random look at the latest books I have read and feel are worth mentioning:

 Lamb – Christopher Moore.  Standing in a bookstore with my sister-in-law and she and another random customer could not stop raving about this book.  So I bought it.  Irreverent.  Hilarious.  Enlightening.  And in the end very endearing and heart altering.  I love when a book can make me laugh out loud and this one did on almost every page.  Don’t read it if you’re easily offended.

Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice : Hormonal Balance-- the key to life, love, and energy  - John Gray.  Very helpful for understanding why we and men do what we do.  Recommended reading for anyone in a relationship or anyone who wants to be in a relationship.  Also news I could have used a couple of years ago!  FYI – stress depletes your good hormones!

The Book of Negroes – Lawrence Hill.  I joined a book club for the first time last fall.  This was one that was highly recommended.  Most of the members had read it already and were willing to read it again – which among readers, is the highest form of recommendation.   I don’t think I would have read it otherwise – the subject matter would have halted me.  I fell in love with the main character.  It’s one of those books that really takes you away from here and puts you there.  The story stays with me still.

Little Bee – Chris Cleave.  Again, the characters are very real and still live with me.

Water for Elephants – Sara Gruen.  Another book club suggestion and absolutely a great read.  Have not seen the movie, yet, but will.

I read everything the following authors write & I have selected my favorites:

John Grisham – “The Partner.” & “Playing for Pizza”

Elizabeth Berg- “Open House”

Anita Shreve – “The Weight of Water.” & “Fortune’s Rock.”

Maryann Keyes – “Anybody Out There?”

Madeleine Wickham – “The Wedding Girl.”

Sue Monk Kidd – “When the Heart Waits.” (This one helped me immensely through my midlife crisis.)  & “The Secret Life of Bees.”

Lisa Scottoline – Female lawyer firm solves crimes.

Elinor Lipman – “Isabel’s Bed.”

Mameve Medwed – “Mail.”

Christopher Buckley – The “Thank You For Smoking” author.  My favorite; “No Way to Treat a First Lady.”

I really could go on and on.  I have kept a book diary since 1997.  It helps when I can’t remember if I’ve read the book before!  I have a longer list than this of authors I read, but these are the top 10.

Definition: from Medical Dictionary
1 passive-aggressive definition
Function: adj
:being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, and unwillingness to communicate) <A< span>passive-aggressive  personality>

A coach friend and I were hashing over our ‘stuff’ as we do at our weekly coffee meetings.  She introduced the topic of being passive-aggressive because of a behavior questionnaire that she had filled out.  I identified strongly with the traits that she described.  So I spent the week watching for any p-a behavior in order to track the situations that it arises in me. What I discovered was surprising.

So where I have I been passive-aggressive?  It is a well formed habit for me to take what’s being asked of me with a smile but not to state my true thoughts and wishes.  Which, in a lot of cases, is ‘no, I don’t want to do that.’  Instead of stating my desires or entering into mature negotiation, I go about doing what is asked of me, but with resentment or procrastination or stubbornness… basically a bad attitude. But, hey, I’m doing what was asked, aren’t I? 

There are a number of situations in my life where things are just not flowing.  Obstacles to getting things accomplished are being constantly thrown up in my path.  Huh.  I finally had the courage to sit with this reality and ask for guidance about what I could do to change these circumstances.  It ‘came’ to me that this is how passive-aggression is being mirrored back to me! The resolutions are coming, but with procrastination, stubbornness and even resentment!

I asked for forgiveness, forgave myself and asked for courage to change the things I can in a good, healthy, productive, on the up-and-up sort of way and the wisdom to know the difference.  I am still on the look-out for my p-a  tendencies so that I can turn them around before they turn around on me.

How do you publically address passive-aggression?  Like everything, it seems, acknowledgement is step one.  Try to catch the times you display the behavior then ask yourself how you could have handled it differently.  Ask yourself what you are afraid of if you assert yourself, your opinion, your wants/needs.  Understand that the consequences of the behavior are not only cumbersome to whomever you are directing it at, but the behavior is also detrimental to your own happiness.

And may I and you and the flow go .....erm, flowingly. :)

This is the question that has been rattling around in my head for several weeks now.  So I finally set about answering it.

In grade school I was one of the taller kids, there were only 2 girls taller than me, and no boys.  I had a growth spurt in Grade 8 and became the tallest kid in the class – until the beginning of Grade 9, when a load of other kids got their growth spurt and caught up or passed me.  But the experience was not a good one for me.  I did not enjoy being bigger, the biggest.  I’m guessing  I did not have the confidence to handle the attention.  So, since then I have avoided wearing high heels.  I really like high heels.  I even  think I have good legs that look good in high heels.   But heels make me taller than average and I feel uncomfortable.

I struggle to keep my weight down.  Another way I believe I need to be ‘small.’  Why not endeavour to be strong, fit, vital?

As I was pondering  this the thought of high blood pressure popped into my head.  What is high blood pressure? I asked myself.  The image that came to me was; pushing life force through a restricted vessel.  That resonated loudly with me.  I seem to be trying to fit myself, my life, into a smaller shape. 

I want my life to be bigger.  More abundant.  Not with ‘stuff’, but with relationships and experiences.  Someone very wise said to me this week, “If there wasn’t enough room for you, you wouldn’t be here.”  Profound. 

I am seriously questioning if I believe that if I am more, someone will have to be less.  I don't think this is true, but do I act as if it is?  I see my recent ‘resting’ time as a way that my ‘life force’ is getting stronger, gathering momentum.  I believe I’m getting ready for the time that I and my life will be bigger.

Where are you making yourself small? 

I think I will wear my high heeled pumps to work tomorrow.

DIY or DYI? (Do It Yourself or Do Yourself In?)

I am a do-it-yourself-er.  I do my own decorating, dieting, self-help, self-care, self-diagnosis, self-analysis, I colour my own hair, heck I even cut it myself sometimes (you’d think I’d learn?! ) I paint my own walls, finger and toe nails.  I design my own diets, exercise routines and yoga practices. 

I’m rethinking these things.  How much of this is what I want?  Most of what surrounds me is based on what ‘they’ say.  The supplements they say I should be taking, the exercise I should be doing, the food I should be eating, the clothes I should be wearing, how I should be feeling, what I should be doing with my life.  I’m beginning to see why I’m so tired all of the time. It keeps us busy.   It is also limiting to our true selves.  We are ‘they’ expressing not ‘self’ expressing.  What do I really like, want, feel? 

These are the hard questions I have been facing.  The discoveries are uncomfortable, but ultimately freeing.  I’ve discovered by doing all of these things myself, I have no time left over to do what I really want to do.  I don’t want to do 100 pushups in the morning, run 5 K, shop for decorative pillows.  I don’t really like green smoothies or carrots or celery.  The frightening thought is that if I just do whatever I want, whenever I want, nothing will get done and I will soon die unhealthy.  But an inverse law of the universe is emerging here.  The more I trust and listen to myself, the more it is steering me to what is right for me.  Not for everyone, but for me.

I want vitality, joy, inspiration, ‘flow’ in my life.  This compelled me to go to my doctor and ask for her professional advice about my physical well-being.  Blood tests next week!  No more self diagnosis.  I then went to my hair stylist and let her professionally colour and cut my hair.  I look like me.  This is my best look.   I then had a pedicure –having smooth, pretty feet makes me feel good, and when I feel good, I do good.   I like running, but only downhill or on level ground, so I run, but I walk up all the hills and it’s fun!  I am going to go to a yoga class lead by a qualified teacher next week. 

 If I’m doing everything myself, I am not supporting those in my community and in turn my community suffers.  The professionals are good at what they do, I want them to continue and I want to get paid to do what I am good at doing.

We are meant to be interdependent, not co-dependent, not independent.  It is good to be served, it is good to be of service.  It’s like alternating between getting a ‘lift’ and giving a ‘lift.’ Together we help each other fly.