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Validation Motivation

18/6/2013

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In conversation, over lunch, a friend was describing to me a dinner she served to her in-laws and how she had really gone all out and was trying to impress them. But, to no avail. She inserted the comment “I don’t even know why I was trying to impress them, they had made it clear already that they did not like me.”  I had to interrupt, because my inner coach light when on.  I re-capped what she had said to me just a few minutes previously. She said, that at that particular time in her life, she was really insecure and felt ungrounded.  I then asked if she thought that perhaps, just maybe, she was trying to impress her in-laws because she needed validation? Yes! She said, as her inner understanding light went on.

Validation: 
to make valid; substantiate; confirm. 

We have an innate need for people to like us, to be included, to be seen.  This is how our generations survived and how we survived infanthood.  It has been documented that if infants
are fed and sheltered but denied affection and bonding they will ‘fail’ to thrive.  We are wired for
connection and community. 

How do we go about feeling validated without it being an act of desperation?  Who decides who you are and what you do are valid?  How do we avoid barking up the wrong validation tree?

1)  Access your inner GPS (Grounded Personal Space). 
Acknowledgement is the best first step.  Are you scared? Angry? Sad? Hurt?  Checking into what you are feeling can be instantly grounding.  Once you feel more inside yourself (grounded) you can decide for yourself that what you are feeling is valid or that your assumptions about yourself or others are unfounded.

2)  Access your SAFE (Secure And Full of Empathy) people. 
If you can’t decide within yourself that your feelings, emotions and experience in the moment are valid, or that you basically have a need, confide in your mate, your best friend, your mother.  But, only if they are emotionally safe places for you.  In the case of my friends’ in-laws, asking them for validation was a hopeless endeavour.  They made it very clear that they did not wholly approve of their sons’ choice of wife.  A lot of times, we assume that those close to us, or experiencing the same situation as us will some how know that we are needing some acknowledgement. (i.e. My friends’ husband?) It is important to tell those around us how we are feeling and to ask for what we want.  A hug. Encouraging words.  If they start to tell you what you are doing wrong, or how you are causing ‘the problem,’ (you can deal with this when you're feeling stronger) be sure to walk away and seek…

3)  Access to your PEEPYS. (People Extremely Empathetic Per Your Stuff). 
The folks you know that are like you.  Who get you, who dress and act like you.  I have a ‘tribe.’ 
We approach problem solving the same way, we support ‘woo woo’ in each other and countless other commonalities. When I need support for my particular identity crisis, I have free and open access to them to help me get back on my GPS.

Pay attention to your actions. What is your real motivation for what you do? 
We all want approval and validation.  All of our feelings, needs, and emotions are valid.  How we go
about handling them, meeting them and caring for them is a personal choice. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, guidance, and assurance.  And, of course, coaches, counsellors, health care professionals can assist with the handling, meeting and caring.
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Facebook May Cause Shoulditis

11/6/2013

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I’m finding myself, lately, in a state that Martha Beck, (in the June issue of “O Magazine,”) calls FOMO.  Fear of Missing Out.  It was also mentioned by my fellow coaches in our on-line community where it’s identified as ‘measuring your inside to other peoples’ outside.’  I call it "Shoulditis" and I suffer from it regularly. 

Let me explain. I feel like I’m not doing enough. I should be fitter, more creative, busier, happier, something-er.

Martha Beck and my fellow band of coaches point to social media.  Facebook, Twitter, etc. because that is where everyone is posting their most fabulous moments. I do this too! We mistakenly knit all that fabulousness together and start to believe that everyone ‘out there’ is living a dream life and I am, just ‘normal.’ As in boring, fraught with mundane, everyday tasks and lacking copious amounts of energy. Why aren’t I doing something important, saving something, creating something, collaborating with famous people? Like I said, I hear myself telling…well…myself that I should be fitter, healthier, more organized and happier.  

Thanks to these timely postings by my tribe-mates, I have been able to:
1) catch myself telling myself. 2) Look at this reasonably, and 3) begin to change my ‘shoulds.’

Step 1 Catching My Thoughts 
When I tune into my body, I find my shoulders are hunched, my jaw is clenched, my tummy is churning. This is my ‘clue’ that I’m telling myself something ‘bad.’  I roam around in my pile ‘o
thoughts tank and find the ‘baddest’ thought.  “You should be….”fill in the blank.  Sometimes just bringing awareness to the thought is enough to bring my shoulders, and blood pressure, down. I can breathe all the way in and all the way out. (Funny how 'shoulds' live in my "should"ers...?)

Step 2 Look at This With Reason 

Are these people having the most fabulous life? I am happy, of course, if they are, but I can be pretty certain they too have ‘hassles’ in their lives, loose ends in their jobs, relationships, etc. They have also had hard times and hard lessons in their lives. Life is fair to all!  No one escapes hard times/lessons.

Step 3 Change My ‘Shoulds’  

When I tell myself I ‘should,’ it immediately sends me into a state of rebellion. (is it just me?)  Shoulds just make me go into my ‘scarcity’ brain. If I say I ‘should’ lose weight, I immediately begin to load up on carbs. When I say I ‘should’ accomplish x,y,z, it makes me feel I am going to run out of time so I do the opposite, nothing! I automatically believe there is a shortage of something and begin to hoard what I think I am soon to be missing. By remembering that I am lacking nothing, have so much to be thankful for and have nothing to fear, I find I want to create something, or accomplish something. When I’m coming from a place of safety and abundance, my desire changes from should to want to. And sometimes it makes me absolutely ok with being 'normal' and doing nothing!

Oh and for those of you who are curious, my birthday was fabulous. (My Birthday Conundrum) So many gifts, so many lunches. My friends and family are generous and awesome. 
I posted about it all week! 

Got to go...
It’s time to check FaceBook!
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My Birthday Conundrum

4/6/2013

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My birthday is this week! Yay! Sort of…

I struggle with the celebration of my birthday.  Is it just me?

There’s no real instructions for how this is to be done.  Like Mother’s Day, if you leave it up
to someone else, well, you probably won’t get it the way you want and then you
get to clean up the mess.  

I leave my birthday celebration plans up to my husband, but usually with the vagueness of ‘oh, I don’t know,’ but also with the strict directive “Don’t invite people over!” Well, my dear
husband had trouble grasping the concept and has consistently invited friends, neighbours, family to our home on most if not ALL of my birthdays.  This would leave me feeling 1) ungrateful – how can I not appreciate that my husband went to all this trouble to honour/celebrate my birthday? 2)
angry/bitter/resentful – why won’t he hear what I say? I really don’t want to clean up after this party, again.

My usual response to the situation was to smile pretty and try, really, really hard to enjoy the experience. (Awesome way to stoke the resentment fire, btw.)  (I apologize to all my
friends for telling this story repeatedly.)

Last year I finally worked it out.  When I found out that people were invited, yet again, after I had repeatedly and specifically said “I Don’t Want People Over!” I actually voiced my displeasure and stated the reason why. I did not want people in my house on my birthday.  He argued a bit.  I’m doing this for you. You should be happy, like it, appreciate my effort, etc.. I explained, yes, I appreciate your effort and your thoughtfulness but a party in my house automatically casts me in the role of hostess. I do enjoy being hostess, don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, family, neighbours and friends, BUT not in my house on my birthday.  I specifically said, “if you want to have a party to celebrate my birthday, have it SOMEWHERE ELSE!”  He got it.  It was too late, too short of notice, the people invited made plans to come. I did not want to make the fuss of uninviting them, so one last time, I smiled and to the best of my ability, let it go, and enjoyed myself and the lovely people. But, I had finally said something about it and was heard.

It then dawned on me that I too have done this. There were many times I thought I knew what was ‘best’ for my daughters and planned things they specifically said they didn’t want.  I made plans for friends and family without necessarily consulting them and dragged them along kicking and screaming.  I now understand that we can’t know what is ‘best’ for anyone but ourselves!  Even when our motive is love and sincerity, choosing what we think someone else SHOULD want doesn’t cut it.  
 
I have also figured out that if I/we say ‘surprise me,’ then I/we had better be prepared to be open to whatever comes my/our way and complaining rights are null and void.  
 
It is not fair to make my husband guess what would make me happy. That responsibility lies with me. I need to decide not just what I don’t want, but what I do want and then be prepared to help make it happen. Responsibility.  Imagine. At my age.  I must be growing up…? 

I promise, friends, I am done complaining about this now, for good.  

Now, If I could just pick something I want …I’m thinking, mani/pedi, massage, flowers, weekend getaway….


How do you like to celebrate your birthday?

​​coachjenniferwashington@gmail.com
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​Jennifer Washington 
Certified Martha Beck Life Coach 


What Now Life Coaching 
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www.whatnowlifecoaching.com 

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    On my journey back to wholeness I have explored many modalities and can honestly say the What Now Life Coaching session was one of the most illuminating (yet non-invasive) interactions I've had.

    Jennifer used an interesting variety of tools to further guide me towards my "North Star" (soul's calling) and I walked away feeling grounded, comforted, validated and inspired.
    ​
    -Angela, Shaman.

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