In conversation, over lunch, a friend was describing to me a dinner she served to her in-laws and how she had really gone all out and was trying to impress them. But, to no avail. She inserted the comment “I don’t even know why I was trying to impress them, they had made it clear already that they did not like me.” I had to interrupt, because my inner coach light when on. I re-capped what she had said to me just a few minutes previously. She said, that at that particular time in her life, she was really insecure and felt ungrounded. I then asked if she thought that perhaps, just maybe, she was trying to impress her in-laws because she needed validation? Yes! She said, as her inner understanding light went on.
Validation:
to make valid; substantiate; confirm.
We have an innate need for people to like us, to be included, to be seen. This is how our generations survived and how we survived infanthood. It has been documented that if infants
are fed and sheltered but denied affection and bonding they will ‘fail’ to thrive. We are wired for
connection and community.
How do we go about feeling validated without it being an act of desperation? Who decides who you are and what you do are valid? How do we avoid barking up the wrong validation tree?
1) Access your inner GPS (Grounded Personal Space).
Acknowledgement is the best first step. Are you scared? Angry? Sad? Hurt? Checking into what you are feeling can be instantly grounding. Once you feel more inside yourself (grounded) you can decide for yourself that what you are feeling is valid or that your assumptions about yourself or others are unfounded.
2) Access your SAFE (Secure And Full of Empathy) people.
If you can’t decide within yourself that your feelings, emotions and experience in the moment are valid, or that you basically have a need, confide in your mate, your best friend, your mother. But, only if they are emotionally safe places for you. In the case of my friends’ in-laws, asking them for validation was a hopeless endeavour. They made it very clear that they did not wholly approve of their sons’ choice of wife. A lot of times, we assume that those close to us, or experiencing the same situation as us will some how know that we are needing some acknowledgement. (i.e. My friends’ husband?) It is important to tell those around us how we are feeling and to ask for what we want. A hug. Encouraging words. If they start to tell you what you are doing wrong, or how you are causing ‘the problem,’ (you can deal with this when you're feeling stronger) be sure to walk away and seek…
3) Access to your PEEPYS. (People Extremely Empathetic Per Your Stuff).
The folks you know that are like you. Who get you, who dress and act like you. I have a ‘tribe.’
We approach problem solving the same way, we support ‘woo woo’ in each other and countless other commonalities. When I need support for my particular identity crisis, I have free and open access to them to help me get back on my GPS.
Pay attention to your actions. What is your real motivation for what you do?
We all want approval and validation. All of our feelings, needs, and emotions are valid. How we go
about handling them, meeting them and caring for them is a personal choice. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, guidance, and assurance. And, of course, coaches, counsellors, health care professionals can assist with the handling, meeting and caring.
Validation:
to make valid; substantiate; confirm.
We have an innate need for people to like us, to be included, to be seen. This is how our generations survived and how we survived infanthood. It has been documented that if infants
are fed and sheltered but denied affection and bonding they will ‘fail’ to thrive. We are wired for
connection and community.
How do we go about feeling validated without it being an act of desperation? Who decides who you are and what you do are valid? How do we avoid barking up the wrong validation tree?
1) Access your inner GPS (Grounded Personal Space).
Acknowledgement is the best first step. Are you scared? Angry? Sad? Hurt? Checking into what you are feeling can be instantly grounding. Once you feel more inside yourself (grounded) you can decide for yourself that what you are feeling is valid or that your assumptions about yourself or others are unfounded.
2) Access your SAFE (Secure And Full of Empathy) people.
If you can’t decide within yourself that your feelings, emotions and experience in the moment are valid, or that you basically have a need, confide in your mate, your best friend, your mother. But, only if they are emotionally safe places for you. In the case of my friends’ in-laws, asking them for validation was a hopeless endeavour. They made it very clear that they did not wholly approve of their sons’ choice of wife. A lot of times, we assume that those close to us, or experiencing the same situation as us will some how know that we are needing some acknowledgement. (i.e. My friends’ husband?) It is important to tell those around us how we are feeling and to ask for what we want. A hug. Encouraging words. If they start to tell you what you are doing wrong, or how you are causing ‘the problem,’ (you can deal with this when you're feeling stronger) be sure to walk away and seek…
3) Access to your PEEPYS. (People Extremely Empathetic Per Your Stuff).
The folks you know that are like you. Who get you, who dress and act like you. I have a ‘tribe.’
We approach problem solving the same way, we support ‘woo woo’ in each other and countless other commonalities. When I need support for my particular identity crisis, I have free and open access to them to help me get back on my GPS.
Pay attention to your actions. What is your real motivation for what you do?
We all want approval and validation. All of our feelings, needs, and emotions are valid. How we go
about handling them, meeting them and caring for them is a personal choice. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, guidance, and assurance. And, of course, coaches, counsellors, health care professionals can assist with the handling, meeting and caring.
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