Summer Time
    Not that long ago, summer time meant a break from making meals, helping with homework and constant driving to lessons and events.  It meant visiting Gramma’s house and travelling to our yearly summer vacation destination.  There is none of that now.  All of my free time is now all of my own.  And I really like it.
    Because I teach music lessons I still follow the school schedule, but of course in a far more relaxed manner. The end of school still means summer time break for me, and that means reading!
I usually borrow from the library or download inexpensive Epubs to my tablet. A book has to be very special in order for me to purchase it.  I recently splurged and bought myself some of my favourite books. 
    Zen and the Art of Falling in Love by Brenda Shoshanna combines psychology with Zen practice to address romantic relationship issues.  I owned it a few years back and loaned it out and it has since disappeared.  I remember I loved it when I read it the first time.  Now I want to ‘study’ it.
    The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is a book I purchased many years ago.  I gave this one to my mom after I read it because I think it is a good book for ALL women to read at some point in their adult lives.  Dr. Lerner’s wise insights and suggestions around the message of anger are life altering.  Again, my intention is to ‘study’ and learn.
    The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren is an encyclopedia of how to understand and honour the energy that is our human emotions.  When I borrowed it from the library, I couldn’t finish it in the 3 week loaning period because there was just so much in it.  I bought it because it is and will be a classic resource for me personally and for my Life Coaching Practice.
    I also love fiction.  I am constantly looking for writer’s that I like who write regularly.  Some of my favourites are Marian Keyes, John Grisham, Anita Shreve and Billie Letts.  John Green is considered a “Young Adult” writer, but good writing is good writing and I’ve read all of his books.  I have recently discovered Irish author, Cecelia Ahern and have downloaded a bunch of her books.
I usually have a non-fiction, ‘serious’ book on the go at the same time as a ‘frivolous’ fiction novel but, I have to finish the novel before I can begin another.  ‘Just one of my ‘rules!’
    I am hoping to have long lazy days in the sun reading my books.  I will garden, travel a bit and visit family.

What are your summer plans?  Tell some of your favourite authors/books!

“There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen.”
― Brené Brown

I asked Melissa to please sing the words along with the popular piano piece she was learning during one of our weekly music lessons. (I ask all of my students to sing – it trains their ear and their voice and boosts confidence!)  She shook her head vehemently and refused.  I asked her why she was so reluctant to sing it.  She explained to me that she sang a piece she had learned earlier at a school assembly talent show.  As she was returning to her seat she overheard two older girls laughing and saying that she was a terrible singer.  Once my stomach and heart returned to their designated places within me and I took a calming breath, I then asked Melissa if either of those two girls participated in the talent show.  She said, no, they hadn’t.  I replied, well, then, their opinion doesn’t even matter, because if you are not going to participate, you forfeit the right to criticize. 

One of my favourite coaching adages is ‘be willing to suck.’(I write about it often!)  If there is something you want to try, something you want to learn, something you want to experience you most likey discount and disqualify yourself by saying you can’t, won’t or shouldn’t because you won’t be ‘good’ at it. I then must ask, is being ‘good’ at it really the point?  I am not a great singer.  I’ve sung all my life.  I sing all the time.  I am not ‘good’ at it, but it gives me great joy.  I can’t help singing.  Should I stay quiet because I’m not ‘good?’ (My near and dear may be answering 'yes,' but never mind them!) Should you forgo a meaningful life experience because you might not be ‘good’ at it? 

I would hope that if you have children, you are teaching them that trying and failing is more honourable than not trying at all and certainly more honourable than criticizing others who do try.  What would our organizational boards and governments be like if the people that were called to be leaders and change innovators were not slandered or humiliated out of service? 

If you are an adult and are putting yourself ‘out there’ again in an attempt to begin romantic relating , well good for you! And if you are rejected, once or repeatedly, please talk to an encouraging friend and remind yourself that the trying is valiant.  It is easy to stay home and remain unseen.  If you have always wanted to write, or sing or fly, being ‘willing to suck’ is a great way to take that first step.

I told my student that Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift must have sucked at some point.  Even if they came out singing pitch perfect, they had to have had moments where things did not go well, but they kept on going and trying and getting support when they needed it.  My student squared her shoulders, took a deep breath, played and sang her piece for me.  We both experienced the joy.

Georgia implores; “How do I get Freddie (her husband) to agree to renovate the bathroom?  He never lets me have anything I want.”
Jackson, hand raking through his hair; “I need a raise, but there’s no way in hell my boss will give me one.”
Stella paces muttering, “If I tell her I don’t want to babysit her kid anymore, the friendship’s over. For sure!”

Because being rejected is wired into our survival instinct – feelings of rejection activates our belief we will die – from early, early in our lives we learn to do everything in our power to please others.  If you are anything like me, you find yourself doing all kinds of mental gymnastics trying to figure out how to say how you feel, ask for what you want or make a statement of some kind BUT only in a way that will make others feel comfortable, agree with you or at the very least, react mildly.  Or, how many times have you talked yourself out of a conversation because you’ve already had it in your head and it didn’t go well?  If you can relate to this then you understand how exhausting this can be.  This is a pattern of learned behaviour that can be changed, but some effort is required.

It Is YOUR Job To Make You Happy
Now, Georgia, Jackson and Stella’s first motivation is to ‘get’ their ‘others’ to do what they want. It is never anyone’s job to do what you want or to make you happy.  
Yes, manipulation in the form of guilt or intimidation works.  Honey, if you let me have what I want I will …… OR if you don’t let me have what I want, I will..! In the case of I want a raise – if you give me a raise I promise I’ll do more, or if you don’t, I’ll quit.  In the babysitters’ case:  She either babysits and has a friendship or doesn't babysit and has no friendship.   These choices keep us stuck in immature relationships and prevent us from moving forward.

Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want
It is o.k. reasonable and acceptable to ask for what you want, state how you feel, voice your needs.  And, it is a fact that no one can read your mind.  You must ask for and be clear about what you want.
Describing clearly or having facts handy shows thought and consideration has gone into the request and you are taking responsibility.   Example:  Instead of Georgia complaining to her husband that the bathroom is ugly and she’s tired of it becomes: “The cabinet is outdated, the flooring is lifting and I could really use a mirror with a cabinet.  I’ve priced them out, here is a spreadsheet of the comparative costs among hardware outlets.” Jackson presents a list of his daily responsibilities, and all of the new projects he’s created in the last year.  Stella explains to her friend, “I am not really all that crazy about kids, not any kids. ‘Nothing personal. It’s you that I want to spend time with.”

How Others Respond Is Not Your Responsibility
I have and eventually, everyone must, come to know that the only person you control is yourself. You are mature, wise and strong enough to accept and respect the response you get when you clearly articulate your request. ‘They’ are completely free to respond however ‘they’ like.  If the reaction is derisive, disrespectful or not helpful, remind yourself again, “How others respond is not my responsibility.”

You Always Have a Choice
If the response to your request is not helpful, you can still choose what to do next.  Georgia could choose to pay for the bathroom reno herself and arrange the contractors. This could have consequences for her relationship both negative and positive. Jackson might consider looking for another job before his meeting with his boss or ask for a future date to re-visit the request.  Stella could allow said ‘friend’ some time to mull things over before any further discussion. Dialogue is a great discovery tool. (Maybe Georgia’s husband has money set aside for travel instead of renovation.  Jackson could suggest an option for a shorter workweek or less responsibility and keep the same pay.) Or, they can all accept the answer they receive and leave it at that, content that they brought it up.

Contrary to popular belief, It Is Not Your Job To Make Others Happy (this is also a choice!)
This is turning the point around.  When someone states or asks you for something, you are completely free to react however you wish.  Instead of being quick to give the requester what you think they want, in order to please them,  ask questions, ask for time to consider before you answer or answer how you really feel – see what happens!

Starting with an attitude of ‘allowing’ and removing the 'responsibility for happiness' automatically shifts the emotional, charge around any issue, making open dialogue more likely. 

Georgia’s husband did have money set aside and when Georgia presented her spreadsheet, he immediately got on board.  They negotiated the elements and the budget of the bathroom and came up with a renovation they were both pleased with and the project gave their relationship a lively boost.

Jackson got the raise! Once his boss saw what he was doing and the extra money his projects brought in, he agreed to the increase in pay.

Stella has not had to babysit since but her friendship with the mom has cooled.  Stella has realized that the mom valued her more as a babysitter than a friend.  Information she is glad to have.