This week I came face to face with the very unproductive, dare I admit destructive, way I have of dealing with my emotions.

According to Martha Beck, there are two ways people handle their emotions.   One is Story Fondling and the other is Fire Fleeing.  Both of them are ways of ‘not’ dealing.

Story Fondlers have true emotional wounds and will likely tell their woes over and over to whoever will listen.  They believe if only bad things didn’t continue to happen to them, their lives would be great.  There is always someone or something responsible for their unhappiness.  I refer to this as ‘poor me’ syndrome.  I have visited this place on more than one occasion, truth be told.

But, my favorite, all time most visited method is Fire Fleeing.  I and these people know there is a problem that needs to be addressed or with even greater skill they will be able to delude themselves to the point of believing that there is no problem – heavy denial is real work, let me tell you.  Fire fleers are firm believers in ‘just ignore it and it will go away.’ And it is very sensible to run from anything that could possibly burn you, right?

This week I came face to face with buried anger.  I knew I was angry.  I was not surprised that my anger surfaced.  I was surprised, however, by how much there was and how hot it was!  ‘Natural response?  Run!  Not the best idea where emotions are concerned.  They never actually go anywhere.  I’ve found they pop up at really inconvenient times just to let me know they will not be ignored.   I’ve also come to realize that I actually thought if I was aware of the problem, well then, that was as good as dealing with it. Wrong! 

If you are a story fondler, pick something you complain about often, stop discussing it and take action to change it. Stop complaining to your coworkers about how poorly your boss treats you and quit, or ask for a raise.  If you are continually lending money and not being repaid, stop saying yes -say no and mean it.  If a loved one is addicted and it’s ruining your life, stage an intervention, or go to a codependency group.  Take some action or stop complaining.

If it is your nature to ignore your feelings, or if there are awful things in your life that you never allow yourself to think about, stop running.  In fact, stop doing anything, for at least a couple of hours a week.  Stop smoking, drinking, eating, working, drugging, jogging, cleaning, gossiping, reading-halt all activity that keeps you distracted.  Find a compassionate witness who’s willing to listen, and then talk about the things in your history and your heart that you least want to talk about.Practice feeling your feelings.  I promise you won’t die.

I now have a homework assignment for myself.  I am in the process of articulating my anger, getting it all out and allowing myself to feel the anger.  When I don’t die, I will figure out what the real issues are and then decide what to do about them.  I hope I will do this maturely and wisely.   I’m not guaranteeing anything at this time.

I am fascinated by dream analysis and it is one of my favorite coaching things to do.  I keep a dream journal to work out the ‘meaning’ of my dreams.

Martha Beck’s method is borrowed from Carl Jung who asserted that all the symbol s in your dreams are you – parts of you – your subconscious talking to you about you.  They are about you and what you believe.  They are not necessarily oracles of future telling.  The method is very user friendly and I have had  successful results using it.

Last night I dreamed I was pitted in battle against a ‘challenger’ in order for me to get to the next level of  growth or freedom - something like that - I just ‘knew’ why in my dream.  I saw that the challenger was a large male dressed up in intimidating warrior gear, but I was not really afraid, I knew it was more of a skills test for me.  There was a square, wood-framed structure in the small arena where we were to do battle.  I was using it as a weapon to literally beat my opponent.  At some point, having bludgeoned him with the structure several times, to no avail, I remembered Martha’s horse training method.  In order to become a Master Coach, she makes her coaches do an exercise with a horse, where the coach must get the horse to follow her without use of a rope, halter, etc..just with the power of inner resolve.  This is actually demonstrated on “Finding Sarah” on the OWN network.

http://www.oprah.com/own-finding-sarah/Web-Exclusive-Taming-Wild-Horses

So I’m in the midst of trying to defeat my ‘enemy’ and I remember that I just have to lock into my inner resolve and decide.  So I do and instantly the guy loses his warrior gear, I throw him to the ground, grasp him by the throat and very clearly tell him to “F” off, this is my turf, I win, so go now.” And that’s the end.

I analyzed all the pieces using the Martha/Carl method, acknowledging that challengers/challenges mask themselves as fear and intimidation and they really are just present to help us get to the ‘next level.’ I also concluded that I can now decide to ‘win’ in my waking life.  This is my turf, I win, so all challengers can just ..well, you know. I spent some time with my most vexing “challenges” today.  They are not people, people, they are situations, habits, attitudes, beliefs, that kind of thing.  I listed them on paper and then one by one, from my locked-into-my-inner-power self (what I like to call “oneness with all thatness”), firmly said the above mentioned words to each of them. 

I now expect horses to follow me everywhere.

I just read a blog post sent to me from Martha Beck.  She was talking about the power of focus – how what we put our attention on grows, changes, manifests, etc.  She used two examples from conversations she’d had.  One with a hockey player who told her that his focus in a game is not on the goal tender but on the holes (spaces) around him.  Another from a white water rafter who similarly explained that he doesn’t look at the rocks he looks at the water when he’s maneuvering his craft.  Soon after, I experienced my own example.  While curling my hair, I was intensely trying not to burn myself and instantaneously after the thought, I burned myself with my curling iron!  This focus thing really works.  I had forgotten, obviously, the lesson that your brain (or whatever concentrating matter is involved) does not pick up the ‘not’ part of a sentence.  I have a lot of success with the negative focus.  I don’t want to gain weight.  So I do.  I don’t want to be grumpy, so I am.  I don’t want to be cheated; it happens routinely.

On the positive side, I have pretty much worked out being healthy.  I’m not sick very often. If I feel something coming on, I speak to it, and tell it no thank you.  That works for me.  I’ve been doing it for years.  Sometimes I have to repeat it often and for a while, but it consistently works.  I am slowly turning the ‘negative ship’ around in my thoughts.  First, by being aware of what my thoughts are.  Then, I run  them through my ‘truth-o-meter.’  I ask myself is what I’m thinking true?  Then, is there another, better thought that is just as true?  And more and more I am finding a truer, more positive thought and slowly things are beginning to move forward in my life.

Now I’m going to bandage my burn while I think about not winning the lottery.