When Jane discusses how annoying her friend is because she is constantly unhappy in her love relationships.  When Stephanie complains over and over about all the reasons she dislikes her mom.  When Ruthie can’t seem to give her husband a break. When I criticize my brother (I literally spent some time lately criticizing my brother!) these are forms of wishing things were different. 
Criticism, although it is directed outward, has a personal component.  It is a projection of
our feelings, thoughts, wishes about ourselves. It’s been said that we can only perceive
in others what is in ourselves.  Criticism may just be compassion in disguise.  Jane wishes her friend would value herself enough to demand better treatment.  Is it possible that Jane wishes better treatment for herself?  Stephanie wishes that her mom loved and accepted her unconditionally. But here is Stephanie not loving and accepting her mother (or herself!) unconditionally.  Ruthie wishes that her husband would notice and spend time with her instead of work and be exhausted all the time.  Although, why would he want to, when she is not pleasant when he’s around? I wish my brother could see all the amazing possibilities for his life and relationships all around him.  How limited is my view of my world?
Like all ‘shadow’ behaviours (the name given to what we declare to be vices), criticism is a clue, a sign, and an invitation to look beneath.  For those brave enough to look there, it soon becomes apparent that it’s never as scary or as bad as we think it’s going to be.  Our ‘dark’ side is very simply fear in disguise.  We fear being alone, we fear not being liked, and we fear fear. Like all roads to recovery, the first step involves acknowledgement.  Once we notice our fear, we can name it.  Once it’s named, it can be addressed and compassion can be applied. 
What and or whom are you criticizing?

Susan’s eyebrows furrow deeply as she tries to explain exactly what happens in almost all situations with a particular loved one.  The loved one makes plans or gives instructions. 
Susan has learned to write down what is said, and then somehow she gets really mixed up and can’t make heads or tails of how it all got derailed and how the loved one scorns her for the mistake. 
She inevitably ends up thinking she’s losing her mind.  
Kara gets a blank expression and sags visibly when she describes the latest, very loud ‘incident’ with her husband, and invariably concludes her explanations with “But, he had a really hard childhood and he’s doing the best he can.”
Keith is perpetually trying to win the approval of a parent, and has jumped through a myriad of hoops, but to no avail.  He just can’t seem to strike the exact combination of traits and
behaviours to win some acknowledgement.

As a coach I help people deal with relationships.  In fact, most of the ‘issues’ that come up in a session involve relationships: Spouses, children, parents, friends, coworkers, etc.  My philosophy is that all relationships teach us about ourselves. We use relationship issues to help my clients become more aware of themselves and to find ways to empower them to become the leaders in their own lives.  

Recently I’ve dealt with clients who are or have been deeply impacted by ‘not normal’ people.  These people are dealing with, as Martha Beck describes in “Steering By Starlight”, ‘Dark Artists.’

What is a Dark Artist?

Psychology would define them as psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists or sadists or as having a personality disorder, I am not a trained diagnoser (that’s a word!) but I am trained to recognize the evidence of a Dark Artist.  In the company of a Dark Artist you may encounter some form (mild to extreme) of one, some or all of the following:

Brain Cloud: 
you may feel out of sorts, lacking inner clarity and or like you’ve been drugged and mostly a general sense of ‘wrongness.’  You know the Dark Artist causes this because the feelings disperse when
that person is absent.

Confusion: 
Because the Dark Artist is a gifted, habitual liar, things you thought would happen don’t; things you thought wouldn’t happen do, promises are made, broken then never mentioned again. 
You will be perpetually confused and become increasingly doubtful of your ability to remember.

Am I Crazy? 
If you are constantly plagued by this question in relation to one individual, it is a strong clue that you are dealing with a Dark Artist

Shame on You: 
Even if you really like the D.A. and find them impressive, you may feel shame or like there’s something wrong with you after being in this persons’ company.

Numbing Out: 
Needing to numb out either physically or emotionally (with food, alcohol, any distracting behaviour) is the way we instinctually try to avoid being destroyed.  If you are reacting this way around a D.A. you must watch out. If you go numb even thinking about them, when you’re around them or after you’ve talked with them you are having an aborted fight or flight reaction.  

Pity the Fool: 
Interestingly enough, the D.A. is a master at getting you to feel sorry for them!  He/she is really
trying, he/she works really hard, he/she had a bad mom, unhappy childhood, unfair disadvantage, etc. But most telling of all is that he/she has no compassion, sympathy or empathy whatsoever for any difficulty you may experience.  
 
How to Break the Spell?
1)  Become Aware.  
Start noticing the symptoms mentioned above.  Make a note of when and what is happening. 
This is the first step in gaining back some of your confidence in yourself.  Confidence to know that
‘it isn’t you.’  

2)  Get Help.  
Depending on the length of relationship with a Dark Artist, you may need brief, lengthy or even deep coaching, counselling and support.  Having a trained reflective mirror will enable you to restore a healthy, grounded foundation.

3)  Surrender.  
Accept that someone in your life may be too destructive to engage with.  Grieve. 
Know that part of grieving is anger.  You will feel angry as you walk through recovering from the ‘spell’ of a Dark Artist.

4)  Rebuild.  
Build new or reinforce relationships that reflect back to you who you really are.  Allow the hard experience to open you up, strengthen you and make you more insightful about yourself and others.

You may have already heard, but life is all about change.  Just when we get adjusted or comfortable, something internal or external comes along to knock us out of that zone.
Currently there are large and small events that I am observing and ones that I am experiencing which are or have caused my world to change.  There are observable steps that occur in any change situation, be it catastrophic (a flood, divorce, empty nest) or mild (the ending of a fun event).
What I am exploring and what I want to ‘study’ today is the very first step in this experience of change. This is the step we tend to rush through.  I have done this and it is just not
working!  Hence my desire now to revisit step one.

The first thing change does is put us in limbo.  We are no longer where or what we were, but we are not yet adjusted to what we have lost or what has changed. Our instinct is to cling wildly to all
that remains in an effort to make things the way they were.  This is usually futile. Some helpful steps include:

1)  Grieve. 
Grieving is concrete, productive behaviour.  It is not a waste of time.  It is a necessary purging.  Without it we can’t move forward cleanly or easily.
2)  Be Empty. 
Notice the desire to cling to old ways, trying to recreate what was lost.  Whether it’s a relationship or furniture, it is best just to watch and wait.
3)  Gather Information. Make Small Moves.
Avoid making commitments.  In this step our thoughts, feelings and emotions will be changing rapidly even moment by moment.  It is wise to avoid making long-term decisions until we know we are through the process, because we are going to change our minds.
4)  Stay Present. 
We simply don’t know what or who we are going to be in the coming days, weeks and even hours.  Trying to anticipate the future makes us nuts!
5)  Be Kind to Yourself.
Moving forward is likely to be painful, scary maybe even humiliating.  Making mistakes is likely, but know that going back is impossible. 
6)  Reframe Thinking. 
Losing our identity (essentially what is happening during change) doesn’t have to be thought of as a
bad thing.  We can examine our old ways and question whether we want to keep them or try out ne It is typical and essential for personal growth.  Even though we may not have chosen the change, we can choose to let it make us better.
7)  Admit/Accept that you don’t know what you’re doing. 
People are kind and helpful when we are honest about what we’re going through. We make it harder for ourselves when we try to fake it.
8)  Enjoy the Emptiness. Trust the Next Step to Come On Its Own.
This has been the hardest part for me!  We typically want to rush to fill in any voids in our lives.  This step is where we can let ourselves relax into not doing and not thinking. 
It comes easier when we trust that the next steps will emerge.  We will ‘know’ when we are ready to move forward.  We will slowly begin to dream and imagine and feel tremors of excitement about
creating a new life. Until that happens, I am attempting to enjoy the emptiness.


 

I belong to an empowering online group called "Charismatic Woman" http://charismaticwoman.com/ (you are free to join now!) and my wonderful leader/facilitator Lisa Marie Hayes has created this journey called "Get Your Sexy Back."  The first class, hosted by "The Goddess known as Jacqui" was divinely inspirational.

Lisa  graciously invited me to lead class two. I chose the topic:
Age, Culture and Hormones; Their Affect on Sexuality. 

The calls are always informative and lively and I'd be excited for you to join.  http://charismaticwoman.com/  Membership is only $25 for a year.  Once you sign up you will be given access to the calls.  'Tell Lisa "Jenn Washington" sent you!  If you miss the calls, you will be given access to the archives.

 The calls are Wednesday at 4 p.m. PST.