When Jane discusses how annoying her friend is because she is constantly unhappy in her love relationships.  When Stephanie complains over and over about all the reasons she dislikes her mom.  When Ruthie can’t seem to give her husband a break. When I criticize my brother (I literally spent some time lately criticizing my brother!) these are forms of wishing things were different. 
Criticism, although it is directed outward, has a personal component.  It is a projection of
our feelings, thoughts, wishes about ourselves. It’s been said that we can only perceive
in others what is in ourselves.  Criticism may just be compassion in disguise.  Jane wishes her friend would value herself enough to demand better treatment.  Is it possible that Jane wishes better treatment for herself?  Stephanie wishes that her mom loved and accepted her unconditionally. But here is Stephanie not loving and accepting her mother (or herself!) unconditionally.  Ruthie wishes that her husband would notice and spend time with her instead of work and be exhausted all the time.  Although, why would he want to, when she is not pleasant when he’s around? I wish my brother could see all the amazing possibilities for his life and relationships all around him.  How limited is my view of my world?
Like all ‘shadow’ behaviours (the name given to what we declare to be vices), criticism is a clue, a sign, and an invitation to look beneath.  For those brave enough to look there, it soon becomes apparent that it’s never as scary or as bad as we think it’s going to be.  Our ‘dark’ side is very simply fear in disguise.  We fear being alone, we fear not being liked, and we fear fear. Like all roads to recovery, the first step involves acknowledgement.  Once we notice our fear, we can name it.  Once it’s named, it can be addressed and compassion can be applied. 
What and or whom are you criticizing?

You may have already heard, but life is all about change.  Just when we get adjusted or comfortable, something internal or external comes along to knock us out of that zone.
Currently there are large and small events that I am observing and ones that I am experiencing which are or have caused my world to change.  There are observable steps that occur in any change situation, be it catastrophic (a flood, divorce, empty nest) or mild (the ending of a fun event).
What I am exploring and what I want to ‘study’ today is the very first step in this experience of change. This is the step we tend to rush through.  I have done this and it is just not
working!  Hence my desire now to revisit step one.

The first thing change does is put us in limbo.  We are no longer where or what we were, but we are not yet adjusted to what we have lost or what has changed. Our instinct is to cling wildly to all
that remains in an effort to make things the way they were.  This is usually futile. Some helpful steps include:

1)  Grieve. 
Grieving is concrete, productive behaviour.  It is not a waste of time.  It is a necessary purging.  Without it we can’t move forward cleanly or easily.
2)  Be Empty. 
Notice the desire to cling to old ways, trying to recreate what was lost.  Whether it’s a relationship or furniture, it is best just to watch and wait.
3)  Gather Information. Make Small Moves.
Avoid making commitments.  In this step our thoughts, feelings and emotions will be changing rapidly even moment by moment.  It is wise to avoid making long-term decisions until we know we are through the process, because we are going to change our minds.
4)  Stay Present. 
We simply don’t know what or who we are going to be in the coming days, weeks and even hours.  Trying to anticipate the future makes us nuts!
5)  Be Kind to Yourself.
Moving forward is likely to be painful, scary maybe even humiliating.  Making mistakes is likely, but know that going back is impossible. 
6)  Reframe Thinking. 
Losing our identity (essentially what is happening during change) doesn’t have to be thought of as a
bad thing.  We can examine our old ways and question whether we want to keep them or try out ne It is typical and essential for personal growth.  Even though we may not have chosen the change, we can choose to let it make us better.
7)  Admit/Accept that you don’t know what you’re doing. 
People are kind and helpful when we are honest about what we’re going through. We make it harder for ourselves when we try to fake it.
8)  Enjoy the Emptiness. Trust the Next Step to Come On Its Own.
This has been the hardest part for me!  We typically want to rush to fill in any voids in our lives.  This step is where we can let ourselves relax into not doing and not thinking. 
It comes easier when we trust that the next steps will emerge.  We will ‘know’ when we are ready to move forward.  We will slowly begin to dream and imagine and feel tremors of excitement about
creating a new life. Until that happens, I am attempting to enjoy the emptiness.


 

I belong to an empowering online group called "Charismatic Woman" http://charismaticwoman.com/ (you are free to join now!) and my wonderful leader/facilitator Lisa Marie Hayes has created this journey called "Get Your Sexy Back."  The first class, hosted by "The Goddess known as Jacqui" was divinely inspirational.

Lisa  graciously invited me to lead class two. I chose the topic:
Age, Culture and Hormones; Their Affect on Sexuality. 

The calls are always informative and lively and I'd be excited for you to join.  http://charismaticwoman.com/  Membership is only $25 for a year.  Once you sign up you will be given access to the calls.  'Tell Lisa "Jenn Washington" sent you!  If you miss the calls, you will be given access to the archives.

 The calls are Wednesday at 4 p.m. PST.