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Why, Why, Why, Why, Why?

29/7/2014

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Why, Why, Why, Why, Why?
This is one of my favorite tools for discovering what’s really going on.  I use it with my clients and on myself often.

Judith is upset that her teenaged daughter, Gloria missed out on getting a High Honours grade point average by ½ a percent.

Leo is stressed about having to downsize from his current home to senior housing.

Phyllis is angry with her siblings for not helping out with her aging mother.

When Judith tries to discuss the grade average with Gloria, Gloria dismisses her and Judith is frustrated.  When I ask Judith why are you upset about the average? She replies: “because if ‘she’ would just work a little harder she could have gotten High Honours, it was right there!”  Why should she work harder and get High Honours?  “Because, it bothers me that she doesn’t care more.”  Why should she care more?  “Because if she does better, she’ll have more opportunities.”  Why should she have more opportunities?  “So she can make something of herself.”  Why should she make something of herself?  “So she doesn’t fail at life and end up living at home forever and making me look like a bad parent.”  Ah.


Leo, what is stressing you out about downsizing?  “I have too much stuff and I don’t know how I’m going to get rid of it all.”  Why do you have to get rid of it all?  “Because it won’t fit in the smaller place.”  Why do you want the stuff with you?  “Because I might need it.”  Why can’t you borrow or rent if you need something you don’t have?  “Because then I will need others to help me.”  Why is that a bad thing?  “Because it means I’m old and others have to take care of me.”  Why don’t you want others to take care of you?  “Because then I’m useless and I might as well die.”  Ah

Phyllis, why don’t you ask your siblings to help more with your mother?  “Because they are all busy and have no clue what’s going on here.”  Why don’t you tell them what’s going on here?  “Because they should ask, and care and want to help out, it’s their mother!”  Why don’t you tell them what’s going on here and ask them to help?  “Because they will probably ignore me and not help anyway?”  Why don’t you ask them to help you?  “Because if they do come and help they will probably upset mom and change things up.”  Why will it be upsetting? “Because they probably won’t do things the way I want them and then when they leave, I’ll just have to fix everything.  It’ll be more trouble than it’s worth.”  Ah.

Judith laughed at herself once the ‘ah’ came out.  She was able to step back and realize that Gloria was doing just fine and that once Gloria found something she really wanted to pursue, she was well equipped to succeed.  The strain was taken off their relationship so they were both able to enjoy each other once again.

Leo and I were able to discuss further all the things he feels he would be giving up and then move into talking about the things that were good about the upcoming changes.  Leo would enjoy not having to worry about the responsibilities of home owning.  He was also going to enjoy the activities and community in his new senior neighbourhood.

Phyllis realized that she was stressing herself out with her anger at her siblings.  We were able to make a schedule around here mother’s care that would fit into her routine and work out a possible script for informing her siblings and asking for help in such a way that was specific, manageable and comfortable for Phyllis.

When we find ourselves in a situation where it just seems that there is continued frustration with no solution, asking the ‘why’ question, over and over puts us in the position of observer giving us some distance from the issue or problem.  You know you have an ‘issue’ when you feel that stuck feeling and you catch yourself repeating the same thoughts with no resolution.  You’ll know you’ve gotten to the ‘real’ reason behind your frustration when you feel the ‘ah.’  Once the ‘ah’ has been identified it is much easier to move forward.



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I Am Enough

15/7/2014

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This picture was part of an assignment for an on-line Brene Brown course I participated in last year.  The course, based on her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" had a class that addressed a very common struggle for us humans and that is feeling like we are enough.  The assignment instructed us to write on our hands, "I'm imperfect" and "I'm Enough," take a photo and paste it in our workbooks as a reminder. 

This feeling of 'Enough-ness," is an ongoing struggle for me.  It’s difficult to break up with my life-long habit of doing and being things I think I should.  I still get caught up in feeling inadequate glimpsing other peoples’ fun lives on Facebook or reading the work of other bloggers who are living perfect lives.  I totally start to believe that they went to bed being one way and woke up the next day fully fabulous and successful because they decided. Therefore, what am I doing wrong?

Every now and again the fabulous ‘they’ will let out some hint that they struggled, they worked and they made the changes over time – that it didn’t just happen overnight and it wasn’t easy. And, they still doubt themselves, occasionally.   It helps me to know that and to remember that.  It helps because I am habitually hard on myself.  My expectations of myself are more than they would be for anyone else I know and love. 

I am learning that I can be o.k. doing nothing. It is a struggle, for sure, I don’t just sit and meditate or rest with ease, there is first denial – I’m totally o.k. and nothing is bothering me – followed by discomfort and frustration.  I am learning to allow; allow emotions, feelings and repressed memories to come up.  I am learning that when I do that, they move through and I feel better.  I’ve learned that I’ve been lying to myself about my emotions, feelings and memories.  I believed that because I was aware of them and I chose to not ‘dwell’ on them and I chose better feelings, thoughts and emotions that they didn’t affect me or I had risen above them.  I have learned that they were all still there.  They were all just waiting patiently for their turn to be seen, felt and remembered, while I kept myself busy doing stuff.  This is my hard work.  Who knew allowing was so difficult?  I have learned that the pain of unaddressed feelings is brief- it is sometimes sharp – but it is brief, like any transition, or moment of transformation, it is intense but the shortest part of any process.  I am still learning that choosing not to dwell and choosing better feelings and thoughts is the work that comes AFTER the ‘allowing to move through’ part. I am also learning that just when I think I've made some progress and I 'get' it now, a helpful event comes along to trigger the long-held belief, just so I can practice being enough.

I am learning that I am enough whether I spend my days in my pajamas accomplishing nothing or I create a strategy that saves the world.  I am enough whether I do what I should or what I shouldn’t.   I am enough whether I succeed or fail.  I am enough no matter what others expect of me. Whether I get invited to the party or not.  I am enough despite what I expect of me.  My inner ‘stuff’ comes up when I write this.  Years and years of messages I believed about what I should be.  That’s o.k.  I am still and I am enough.


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    On my journey back to wholeness I have explored many modalities and can honestly say the What Now Life Coaching session was one of the most illuminating (yet non-invasive) interactions I've had.

    Jennifer used an interesting variety of tools to further guide me towards my "North Star" (soul's calling) and I walked away feeling grounded, comforted, validated and inspired.
    ​
    -Angela, Shaman.

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