What will it take to make you feel you’re enough?
This question stopped me dead in my tracks. Wow, I absolutely do NOT believe/feel/think I am enough, on any level.  It stunned me to realize that I am constantly driving myself with
thoughts of inadequacy and self-improvement. 

This question came up in my ‘community’ where we are deeply into the contents of Brene Brown’s new book: Daring Greatly.  Brene Brown, if you don’t already know, is a social worker/researcher.  In Daring Greatly she reveals what her research shows about vulnerability and shame.
As with all the ‘self-help’ books I read, I look for how what she says applies to what I do and to me personally. Her ‘answer’ to shame and vulnerability is feeling like there is enough and that I am enough.  So, how do I do that? What does that look like?

“I am not enough” comes up in my sessions with clients all the time.
If you and I are measuring our enough-ness based on outside recognition
and approval, then we are never enough.  The values that drive this kind of enough-ness are motivated by fear.  Fear of lack – not enough.   I will never be young enough, thin enough, rich enough, friended enough on Facebook, etc., etc.  My fear under all of this is I am not worthy of belonging.  Once that fear is triggered I am in survival instinct mode and I either hide away and make myself small (flight) or become angry and bossy (fight).  You may recognize this in the people around you?

It appears that enough-ness is based on courage, compassion and connection. And it’s an ‘inside’ job. If I am willing to make ‘trying new things’ and ‘taking risks,’ instead of measurable goals, as my measures of success, I am more likely to be vulnerable and participate in life.  Did I put myself out there today? (vulnerable). Great!  Did I challenge myself today? Yeah!  Did I try and fail at something? Oh Yeah! Did I connect with someone today? Yes! The participation/showing up doesn’t have to be anything huge.  It can be as simple as phoning someone who needs encouragement.  Talking to someone in line.  Posting a blog!  The shift is not based on ‘results’ and feels amazingly good.  Life is fun again.  It also appears that feeling like enough in this “you are not good enough yet” day and age takes strength training.

Based on what I’ve learned coaching (teaching connection) and what I’ve read of Brene’s work, I have made for myself a list:

 Enough Muscle Exercises 

1)    Accept who I am right here, right now.  My Mantra: I AM ENOUGH (this is a constant ticker tape news crawl in my brain.)
2)    Gratitude instead of fear.  If I can catch myself freaking out or feeling negative about myself I counter it with a gratitude thought.  
3)    Compassion. I give myself a break when I screw up. I acknowledge that I’m learning. I’m
human.  I take responsibility and then move on.  Only then do I have the capacity to be kind and compassionate to others.
4)    Connect. I have a tendency to isolate myself in order to recharge, but too much isolation
leads me to crazy town!  I phone or meet a friend.  I make contact with my loved ones.  I participate in my community. I re-enforce that I belong.

There is much in Brene Brown’s books and TED talks.  I highly recommend taking a look at them.  In the meanwhile I am strengthening my ‘enough’ muscle.


 
 
 
 

I coach for purely selfish reasons.  I don’t coach for the money. Really. That’s a cool bonus, side benefit prize.  Coaching makes me high. It really, really does.  It’s hard to describe unless you can relate.  Which maybe you can.  

Have you, or do you, ever engage in an activity that completely takes you out of yourself? Makes you forget time?  Makes your spine or circulatory system buzz?

My first memory of something like this feeling was when I used to sit in the ‘cat barn’ on my grandparents’ farm.  I called the abandoned, wooden shed the cat barn because it was claimed by a herd of feral cats, which was fine with my farmer grandfather because they kept the mouse population in check.  I’d sit in that shed for hours at a time, feeling deeply relaxed and
calm.  After about 3 or 4 days of spending hours a day in there, a kitten or two would eventually allow their curiousness to overcome their fear and they would allow me to pet them.  I was in Zen heaven when that happened.

It happened on a less intense vibratory level when I got a job at a library.  Something about being surrounded by all those books?

When I coach you I fall truly, madly, deeply in love.  With you, with myself, with love, with life. 
Somehow, through you, I connect to that ‘something.’  High is my best description. 
When in that zone, or state, or heavenly local, magic really does happen.  You become even more
amazing and fascinating to me.  I get jazzed watching you literally fix your own problem. That’s right. I said ‘you’ fix your own problem.  Magic happens.  It happens when I’m with you on the phone too.

If you haven’t experienced something like this ‘zone,’ (without chemical/pharmaceutical aid!)  it might be time to start asking yourself some questions about what you are focusing on and what brings you joy.  If this has happened to you, you can use it as a ‘sign’ or guidepost that
will lead you further into experiences that are connected and blissful.  If you have had many experiences like this you can call them a ‘trail’ that may be beckoning you toward something big,
like your life’s purpose.

I’m not exactly sure how cats, books and coaching are connected…maybe, could be, I’ll write a how-to book about the path to peace through cat whispering. 
I would love to hear from you about your experiences, here!

If you are going after any sort of dream or desire; anything from giving up “Doritos” to climbing Mount Everest, at some point in the goal attaining process, or at several hundred points you are going to have to take a risk.

My client would really like to end a long-term, destructive relationship.
My friend’s goal was to get fit.
I wanted to be an electric guitar playing rock star. 
Where do we start?

Step #1:  Choose a Goal
You may have a long list of ‘heart’s desires’ listed in your journal, or your vision board is plastered with pictures of exotic locations or high-end decorative items or maybe you have not even gotten to the ‘I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want” stage yet.  In order to get your Risky Business started, define your goal, desire, wish as clearly as possible using words, pictures, origami.  Whatever works for you.  
My client wrote down how she would like to be treated in all of her relationships.
My friend chose to learn how to paddle board.
I have a magazine picture of a female, electric guitarist pinned to my bulletin board.

Step #2:  Do the Smallest Action Possible.
Figure out as many logical steps as possible from where you are now: Point A to you obtaining your goal: Point B.  Then make the first, smallest, most doable step.
My relationship client went for a massage and then a mani/pedi
My friend researched paddle boarding on-line.
My first step was searching “Kijiji” for used, electric guitars.
Follow the first step with the second smallest step, but ONLY when it feels good and not a struggle. If the next step always feels like a struggle, see if you can break it down smaller.

Step #3: Commit Yourself
Start to talk about your goal.  Set a date.  Make appointments.  This makes backing out or quitting harder.
Relationship client instituted a freeze on contact/communication with hurtful person for a period of 4 weeks. 
Friend signed up for paddleboard lessons
I put myself on my year-end music recital program (I’m a music teacher) stating I would be playing a Bryan Adams song on electric guitar.

Step #4: Be Scared.
Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that are going to come up.  The purpose of Risky Business
 is to bring up your ‘stuff.’  It is our ‘stuff’ that we think is keeping us safe, that is in
fact, keeping us from our dreams.
This is also the time to channel that fear.  Turn it into constructive action instead of destructive
paralysis.
Relationship client used the time she set aside to schedule self care appointments and instituted practices to take care of her own emotional needs.
Friend began doing core strengthening and balance exercises to help stabilize herself on her board.
I practiced playing my guitar until I got calluses on all 10 of my fingers.

Step #5: Step Off The Cliff
Now that you’ve brought yourself to the very edge of your goal, all that’s left is to step off. 
Breathe.
Relationship client’s feeling of guilt lessened over time as she began to take care of and nurture herself. She eventually began new relationships with people who valued and appreciated her for who she was, not what she did for them.
My friend took her paddleboard lessons.  She now paddleboards every chance she gets and happens to be in the best shape of her life.
I played my song at my recital.  I shredded a couple solo parts and even sang!
I missed some notes.  I sang badly.  I was so happy that I did not die!  And then an amazing thing
happened…the students and their parents and siblings flooded me with comments about my courage and now they too want to take their own risks.

Step #6: Repeat until you've made all your dreams come true.