Last week I wrote about the signs/symptoms of a life meltdown/awakening (Melting Down.)  This is the ‘what to expect next’ portion.

I remember discussing dark feelings with someone who was, at the time, in the obvious throes of depression.(Read about depression here)  She asked me; “when will I feel better?”  I replied, ‘you will know you are feeling better when you no longer wake up wondering when you will feel better.’  This next step is much the same.  You won’t know you’re in it until you gradually become aware that you are no longer in deep pain and confusion.  You will be surprised to find yourself experiencing hope.  Until that happens, you are still in your meltdown phase.


The signs that you’re coming out of the meltdown:

1)    The Return of Hope.  In the meltdown phase it is common to have really ‘bright’ ideas, but they are usually accompanied by a manic/desperate feeling.  You’ll think that quitting your job and investing in clown school is an awesome, thrilling idea because who hasn’t always wanted to see the world with a traveling circus?!  This too shall pass.  The ‘real’ hope feels more like a delightful, bubbly idea with actual possibilities.  Where entertaining any idea or possibility before felt painful and extremely difficult, ideas will now seem doable and even a little exciting.  You have now stepped one toe out of melting down.

2)    Things Inspire You.  Again, where before you saw only doom, gloom and no change in your future, you now start entertaining creative ideas.  Flipping through the channels and seeing a decorating show might prompt you to consider painting your room a sunny yellow.  Seeing a jogger go by might give you the idea to stop eating chips and dip for breakfast, lunch and dinner and maybe buy a new set of running shoes. 

3)    You Change Your Look.  This is not an insignificant action.  When you change your hair and clothing style it is a true mark that you are now entering the next phase of your transformation.

While these are all clear indicators that you are moving forward in your life, caution is still your friend.  These changes that you are instigating are going to be transitory.  You will like yellow today but not tomorrow.  Your drastic change to your hair will thankfully grow out, because you will exchange it for something a bit more manageable once you become more settled.  These are all signs to help you gauge where you are in your transformation.

When I started to emerge from my ‘dark night of the soul,’ I was very happy to discover an inner peace that had been absent for a very long time.  Yes, new things were possible, but I was no longer in a hurry or feeling desperate.  I became much more observant and tuned into what I really, really liked and what I really, really didn’t.  I used these much welcomed and very helpful tools to begin the process of making my life better.

If you want a life different than the one you had before (read: not repeat destructive patterns), it is extremely important to set new thoughts and behaviors in place at this stage of the game.  You cannot get different results if you do not do things differently (see the definition of insanity).  Again, trying new things is very valuable.  Get a mentor, counselor, Coach.  Take classes, experiment with new ideas and practices.  Use your new found inner delight to lead you on. How do you use your inner delight?  If what you are trying does not feel delightful, move on!
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It was like a window blind suddenly snapping open and the harsh, glaring light of reality assaulted me.  Everything, every thing that I had built my life on shattered right before my eyes.  That is how I describe my (meltdown) awakening.  It also the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  I am still building and re-building; that is life and it is an ongoing process, but this time the process is based on my true self, not my ‘should’ self.  I’ll explain more on this later.

I know many people who are experiencing their own ‘awakening’ and I know how excruciating it feels.  I really wish that someone had explained to me what the ‘H’ was happening.  Since then, I found some people and learned some things that have been very helpful.  I will share what I’ve discovered in the hope that if you are going through it or you are with someone who is, you may find some understanding and comfort.

The first big help was coming to the understanding that this was happening to me, I did not choose it.  Like the transitions from babyhood to toddler, to child, to adolescent to adult, these meltdown/transitions are built into the life cycle.  Secondly, I discovered there were things that helped this process and things that hindered it!  Resistance and denial are the two biggest blocks I repeatedly hit my head against!

The likely ‘ages’ of meltdown/transition and the way they’re commonly experienced are: 
29-33:  Identity breakdown – you are not who you thought you were.
41-43:  Old pattern breakdown – what worked before doesn’t work anymore
50-52:  Old wounds &/or unresolved issues – Life isn’t fair/not what you thought it should be
50-62:  Revising authentic self – becoming more of who you need to be.
(Note:  unexpected events in the form of deaths, accidents, divorce, winning the lottery, changing living locations; anything that knocks you out of your current existence can trigger this process.)

Each transition has its own unique characteristics but there are tools and behaviours that can assist the overall processing in any meltdown situation.

Meltdown Managing Strategy Steps (MMSS)

1)    Surrender Early.  Your immediate desire will be to work really, really hard to recreate what was lost; to rebuild the life that just blew up.  You can’t.  You are no longer who you were before and that life is not there to go back to.

2)     Lay Low.  When your life or view of your life is suddenly dramatically altered, your survival instinct has been triggered.  You are in fight, flight &/or freeze mode, feeling your environment is no longer safe.  Your number one priority is to rest and take care of yourself.  Because your anxiety is causing your stress level to increase you will require more rest than you did before.  Trust me.  Take that nap.  Functioning rationally is greatly reduced when you are stressed AND exhausted.

3)     (F*@k) Let Go of What People Think.  This is your journey, it is messy (picture the birthing process – it is intense, miraculous, but it ain’t pretty.)  Your real people – the ones who really ‘get’ you, will make space for your process.  Remember Dr. Seuss “the people who matter don’t mind and the people who mind don’t matter.”

4)    Blame On.  You will go through the stage of blaming everything and everyone for your current misery.  If it weren’t for your mother, your husband/wife, boss, church, circumstances, God (!) __________ (fill in the blank) your life would not be its current mess.  This is a necessary step of the process and potentially the most destructive.  Hang on, spew it out, and process it all. While you are in doubt about yourself and everyone, don’t make any major decisions.

5)    Take the Opportunity.  Get help.  Got to counseling, take classes, read books, get a coach, talk about it! If something doesn’t feel right, or good, or like its working, move on to something else. This is the perfect time to work through and let go of emotional/mental/psychic baggage and explore other ways of being before you begin your life rebuild or heaven forbid (!) engage in new relationships.

My ‘should’ self was made up of all of the beliefs I had absorbed about what a good girl, wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, citizen, etc. should be.  I collected and studied and incorporated everything I ‘thought’ would make me happy, everything that was ‘supposed’ to be good for me.  When I-that is the ‘real’ me, my true me, the me I was born as, woke up,  I realized that I was all of the things I was ‘supposed’ to be and I was miserable.  I was in deep, deep emotional and mental pain.

I got help.  I asked, I searched, and I researched, I talked.  So many people helped me.  There was love and resources all around me.  I was and am so blessed.  I am so grateful for all of the experience, for all of the people who surround and hold space for me.  I’m so grateful I’m continuing to build and live my life as my authentic self.   If my realization had not occurred, or if through heroic effort, I somehow ignored it, I am positive I would be dead now. But, I guess, in a sense, I did die.  I have been re-born. 

So, to anyone who is experiencing an identity/existential crisis of any kind, or if you are involved with someone who is (believe me, it affects you too!), please, please, please believe my promise, you will be o.k.  You will be better.  This too shall pass and you will be glad.

Part II next week – how to know when you are through this first part!

The tragic death of Robin Williams has prompted me to want to talk about my own struggle with depression, in case it is helpful, in any way on any level to someone who reads this.  Mental, emotional and/or psychic pain is just as real and as debilitating as physical pain.  Anyone who has experienced any of these anguishes understands this.  The most misunderstood part, in my opinion, is the life cycle of this kind of condition.  Picture falling off a cliff and breaking your leg.  You’re in critical condition.  You are evacuated, hospitalized, treated and eventually your injury heals.  Then you go back on the same cliff and fall again.  You would hopefully learn or eventually be forbidden from walking that terrain. Or safety barriers would be erected to protect future walkers.   It is much harder to determine where the mental/emotional ‘cliff’ is in the life of someone with mental pain or illness.  Is it the environment? Is it lifestyle?  Is it hereditary? It may or may not be all of these things, but it is in the individual’s inner landscape.  It is this inner landscape that can be very difficult to navigate and change.

Mental, emotional and/or psychic pain is just as real and as debilitating as physical pain.

There is a history of mental illness in my family.  There is addiction.  There is depression. There’s eating disorders.  And that’s just the stuff on the surface.  I’ve had my own journey with depression and emotional suffering.  During the deepest, hardest part of my illness I felt such a stigma surrounding medication and about getting help.  Discussions about me and what I needed were excruciatingly painful and definitely added to my suffering.  There was debate within my own family, among those closest to me about how to help.  I assumed, and maybe wrongly, that my church thought the answer to my struggle was more prayer, more devotion, more clearing of ‘evil’ in my life.  My doctors – I had several over many bouts – were not unanimous in their decisions about proper treatment.  One was completely convinced that medication and medication for the rest of my life was in order. One later on was very, very reticent in giving his prescription, almost disapproving.  My kind, helpful friends suggested various ‘natural’ remedies or ‘herbal’ medications.  My own sister was adamant that medication and medication right now was necessary in order to be able to function and to prevent a descent into a life threatening condition.  I felt shame.  I felt I was being a bother.  Each time, I denied it was as bad as it was.  In my case, the onset of my ‘episodes’ were so gradual that I would be firmly entrenched in darkness before I realized it was happening again.  My life would become more and more difficult to manage and my anguish about everything was crushing. 

I have since experienced many permanent changes to my inner, mental landscape.  Beginning with the help of medication and then adding counseling, I educated myself about my ‘condition.’  I discovered and practice mental exercises and practical cognitive tools.  I’ve made permanent and important changes in my thinking about myself and the world at large.  I have pleasantly discovered that I have choices and that I choose what I make things mean.  I make healthy lifestyle choices.  All of these have contributed to the changing of my inner landscape – eliminating or avoiding potential ‘cliffs.’  Consequently, I am medication free.  Am I saying these are the answers for everyone? Has it been easy?  Has it been quick?  Is my life perfect? No, absolutely not.  It’s been my personal journey.  The ways to navigate one’s inner landscape are infinite.  I know for sure it helps to talk about it.  I know for sure that the pain, if not totally stopped can at least be eased, and in a way that is not tragic.  Will my depression return?  I sincerely hope not, but if it does, I will recognize the signs and I will reach out for all the help that I can.

I was enjoying a good book while reclining outside, in a patio chair, on a beautiful summer evening.  The neighbours; a mom and her two small children, were playing in the yard next door with another mom and kids.  There were peals of laughter and squeals of delight which I largely ignored while I read.  After a bit, the delightful squeals turned into whines and progressed to screeches, eventually erupting into full blown crying.  The mom, after repeated ‘stop that’s’ handed down a heavy warning, “If you don’t stop crying, you will have to go to bed!”  This got my attention.  Why is going to bed, when you’ve clearly had ‘enough,’ a punishment?  Why is crying, which is a valid form of clear communication by the child, perceived as negative?  I admit, I was of the same mind-set when my girls were small. Is this why we, this generation, and the one before, view resting, relaxing and restoring as ‘weak,’ or a waste of time? Are we creating the next generation of don’t-stop-til-you-drop-over-achievers, disconnected from themselves, like us?  Is this what we want? 

For the sake of our children, ourselves and the future, what if we tuned into and decoded the cries, not only of our children, but the more subtle cries within ourselves, our bodies?  Next time your child has clearly ‘hit the wall,’ or you find yourself short-tempered, stuck or plain exhausted consider the following actions as options:

1)     Re-group.  I would call it ‘time-out’ but this phrase may imply punishment.  When there is an ‘I’ve hit the wall’ moment happening, have everybody pause and take a breath.  You breathe, tell your child to breathe. Acknowledge the moment.  Maybe this is a good time to offer a cuddle or validation of some kind. “I see you’re upset,” or “all is well.”  If you are an adult in an office, you could inwardly tell yourself you are o.k., you are doing great, anything kind and reassuring.

2)    Change Course.  If the kids’ activity has been physical, maybe now it’s time for something quiet, like a craft, or a movie.  If the kids have been cooped up doing quiet things for a while, maybe it’s time for some movement.  Same for you, if you have reached a sticking point in your day, instead of pushing through, do something different, even if it’s just go to the restroom and wash your hands, get a drink of water, walk around, all this will move stuck energy.

3)    Take a nap or go to bed already!  Eventually, going to bed is clearly the best option.  We are designed to need sleep.  It is time we made peace with this fact and teach it to our children along with the message that it’s a good thing, not a punishment.  And modeling good behaviour is always the most effective.  Do your kids see you raising the white flag and saying, “break time, mom needs a nap?” or “I’m really tired, I’m going to go to bed now?”

Pausing, resting and sleep can bring instant change to any situation not to mention long range physical and mental health benefits.  Learning to slow down and tune inward is a valuable skill to possess.  The greatest inspiration and accomplishments have a way of popping up during or after moments of rest.  What if you are raising the next the next Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr., Oprah or Nelson Mandela? All these world changers understood the power and necessity of stillness and rest.