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Depression is Awesome

27/8/2015

I've been chatting with amazing people who are experiencing or have experienced depression and/or anxiety. Their journeys are truly inspiring. Ruminating on what they are telling me and what has been true for me I have come to realize that Depression is pretty awesome.

Depression shows us how strong we are. We toiled relentlessly to be what we thought was expected of us until it plain wore us out!

Depression shows us how committed we are. We locked onto never quitting so hard that our physical bodies had to make it impossible for us to keep going!

Depression shows us how willing we are to believe. We invested so whole-heartedly in a dream that we did not waiver. Not when we cried ourselves to sleep every night, but got up and went right back at it the next day. Not when we were having panic attacks in the back room but pulled up our bootstraps and went out there again. Not when the idea of getting out of bed one more time was more excruciating than root canal without anesthetic.

Thank GOD, the moon, the stars, angels, Jesus, Mary, and all the saints that depression showed up.

Depression wants us to know that we are trying too hard to be not wrong, to not make mistakes, to not change our minds, to not say no, to not admit that yes, that worked before, but it doesn’t work now, to not let people down.

Depression helps us discover what is not working, what lies we’re believing. It tells us that we’ve ignored our own wisdom and guidance for far too long. Depression wants us stop pleasing everyone. It wants us to realize that we can’t ‘fix’ anyone and to be o.k. when things are unresolved. Depression wants us stop trying to attain perfect. Depression wants us to stop rejecting ourselves. Depression wants us to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. Most of all, Depression wants us to be human and to love it.

Just like the pain receptors that explode when we put our hand into the fire, depression tells us to stop what we are doing right now and go another direction.

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Self Sabotage; A Closer Look

18/8/2015

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Charles, recovering from acute anxiety attacks attends two group therapy sessions that he finds quite interesting but misses further sessions because he’s attending to his small business.

Joan is 10 pounds away from her goal weight, but recent family issues have knocked her out of her routine and the pounds are creeping back on.

Aaron sought out a coach to help him with some unexplain-able behaviours that were interfering with his work but quit booking follow up appointments when the coach suggested something he didn’t like.

Charles, Joan and Aaron are hard-working, goal-oriented, quite successful people. They do not flake out easily, so why are they letting themselves down?

There are many psychological explanations for self-sabotage, such as fear of success or poor self-esteem or lack of support, but in my experience, it goes deeper than these very common and valid reasons.

Remember, hard-wired into our brains is the need to feel safe. Anything that alerts our brain that there may be a vulnerability exposed causes it to send up distress signals. When we start to uncover the cause of our troublesome behaviours we automatically feel the need to protect ourselves. We developed these behaviour patterns for a reason. They are doing the job of keeping some vulnerable beliefs about ourselves covered up. Even our self-destructive behaviours make us feel like we are in control; the behaviours feel familiar, therefore, safe.

When Charles began to see that changes in his thought patterns and beliefs were causing changes around him, his brain picked up the ‘on-alert’ signal. When Joan’s brain registered that Joan’s weight loss made her feel vulnerable, it sounded the alarm. When Aaron’s brain got a message it didn’t immediately like, it registered it as a threat and caused him to avoid further ‘attack.’ All of these people are in flight mode behaviour.

So, what’s the solution? You’re probably not going to like it, but I haven’t found it to work for any one any other way. It is quite simply, allowing the discomfort. Prepare for it as best you can, but know that you will most likely feel terrible. Any change that brings up our vulnerability is going to be uncomfortable and our instinct is to naturally avoid anything that’s uncomfortable. That’s why Netflix and fast food places are so popular!

If you are going through any sort of vulnerable change time – and life is mostly about this, if you haven’t noticed – then STEP ONE: Be gentle with yourself. Find healthy things that feel kind and nurturing including words you say to yourself. Maybe some folks benefit from the army sergeant boot-camp style of motivation to change, but I don’t. I am more likely to follow through on my behaviour change once I feel safe and loved. Finding comfort and safety within yourself may take more than one attempt, so be patient with yourself. Enlist help if you need it – coach, therapist, your mom - transition can be rough, so reach out.

STEP TWO. Do it in small doses. Set a timer. Run into the comfortableness and practice being with it. Try not to numb out, distract yourself or pretend it’s not painful. When the timer goes off, go about your business and congratulate yourself for spending time with the pain.

Which leads to STEP THREE: Reward yourself! We are still small children inside. Having some sort of ‘pay off’ for hard work always satisfies that inner sense of needing things to be fair and worth it or what’s the point. Set up some sort of ‘non-harming’ pleasure immediately following your ‘work’ on yourself.

Charles signed up with another group. He dedicated himself to doing the homework in 10 minute allotments throughout the week. When he’s on a roll, he works on his assignments for longer than 10 minutes. On the days when it gets difficult he allows himself to stop after 10 minutes and then he goes for a swim.

Joan tuned into the times she felt vulnerable and realized that there were many things about her relationship with her family that needed to change in order for her to stop eating her feelings. Joan is working with a coach to assist her in finding ways to do that.

Aaron continues to engage in numbing behaviours.

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Depression is Awesome

Self Sabotage; A Closer Look

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