I am currently enrolled in a memoir writing class.  It is both exhilarating and excruciatingly painful.  The creativity and bonding of the participants is electric and it is so great being in the experience.  The painful  part is actually reliving past experiences in order to communicate them.  This is making me reflective.

I, as I am sure many people do, started out in life trying to be perfect.  I took the cues/lessons from all of the adults around me about acceptable behavior and about what constituted success and what was considered failure.  I began early to believe that if I were just given the rules then I would be successful AND happy.  So I embarked on a life time of self-improvement and self-help based on the core belief that I was not good enough, was disadvantaged, could not succeed without many, many changes and a lot of hard work.  I also believed that if I did everything right, I would avoid pain and suffering. I also believed that what other people thought mattered more than what I thought or wanted.

I would say that according to most standards I achieved success.  I became well educated, gainfully employed, contributed to society, paid my taxes and produced children who contribute as well.  I no longer embarrassed my parents (just my children) and I had friends and family who seemed to like me.  Very, very successful.  Happy?  Not so much.

I had many opportunities, disguised as crises, to ask myself if I wanted to be happy or perfect.  Instead of learning and becoming aware of the trap I had set for myself, I worked harder and pursued more self-improvement.  Finally, I became too tired to press on and ran head long into realization that I was never perfect. I was never going to be perfect and I was definitely not happy.  It’s been painful, but I’m so glad I’m finally waking up.  The good news is that happy is obtainable.  Perfect? Not so much.

Reading my journals I discovered that my real awakening did not start until I stopped being self-sufficient, self-motivated and self-improving.  I began to ask for help.  To ask questions.  To allow others to bear witness to my mistakes and my suffering.  I acquired some tools for becoming whole from some amazing people.  All that ‘self’ work was just, well, work.  I was not really living life. I had not been in the experiences.  Being perfect but not being real.

A year ago I never would have joined a class like this.  I’m finally getting that being perfect in no way produces happiness, ever!  I am enjoying being human.  I am enjoying connecting with others.  I am enjoying being opened up and in turn having others open up to me. I am getting happier by the day.

Can you relate to this in any way or am I just talking to my self?

I’ve been spending quite some time in what Martha Beck calls Square One Meltdown.  Square one is a stage that repeats in our lives as we cycle through our existence.  It is a period of transition.  Of leaving one state and going to another.  Martha uses a butterfly metaphor to describe the process.  The meltdown stage is where the caterpillar wakes up one day – a day like every other day, I’m guessing, and decides that on this day he will begin to build himself a sweet cocoon so that he can zip himself safely away from the elements and have a complete and literal, well, meltdown.  He will become caterpillar goo.  He will die.  Now why would he choose this?  My guess is, he doesn’t.  It is wired into him to do it.  It is in his nature.  His mom and dad don’t send him to Butterfly U to learn the steps it takes to completely morph into different form.  He was not ‘conditioned’ to stop being a caterpillar and grow wings, and colors and fly.

So it is with us.  It is wired into our nature to change, to morph to leave one stage and travel into another.  If you are like me, you take all of this in stride, for granted, until it ‘happens’ to you.  Because it ‘happens’ to you.  Going from childhood to puberty is not a choice.  Going from adolescence to adulthood is, contrary to popular belief, not a choice either.  And aging, unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your ability to accept change, is also inevitable.  It also ‘happens to you’ when a tragedy or even great fortune hits.  Transformation happens when what you were no longer works.  Things you used to like to do no longer make sense.  The things that used to drive you, don’t anymore.  What you valued before seems futile now.  You outgrow your beliefs.  In the midst of all of this you have no idea yet, what does work, what you like, what you really value, what you actually believe.  You are in a goo state.  I am finding that this goo state is lasting longer than I would like and I am uncomfortable being uncomfortable.  It is not my favorite state.  (Hawaii is.) 

It is an ingrained habit to find the problem and fix it.  To strain forward to get to what will be.  In this ‘in between’ state I am waiting to become the next stage of who I am meant to be.  I am learning to let go of everything I thought of as certain.  As I rest (because I have no other choice) in caterpillar goo I am being asked to observe my inner workings to find clues to how my behaviours and patterns affect my happiness or unhappiness.  Then, to sit with that information, that truth, and be transformed by it.  It is not like exercise where I work over and over to improve a skill, it is more like a piece of dirty metal sitting in an incinerator until it reveals itself as gold.  It’s a process.  It is messy.  It is unpredictable and uncontrollable. I’m guessing these lessons help the butterfly learn how to ride the wind.   If you or someone you know is in transition, in meltdown, be patient.  You/they can’t help it.  Celebrate when you/they emerge with new wings.

Would you force your own child, (or friend, or spouse) to spend time with people who consistently make them feel bad about themselves?  I’m assuming your answer is ‘no.’ And yet, how often (today) have you forced yourself to do that very thing?

I am a recovering approval addict.  I, like most of  you, was raised to 'be nice' and not say what  I really thought, because 'nice' girls don't say 'those' things.  I have since learned that being 'nice' and being happy and fulfilled do not necessarily co-exist.

Babies are born socially dependent and know instinctively that their survival depends on the goodwill of the grown-ups around them.  Because of this, we’re all literally designed to please others.  Learning the social mores of your tribe, is what kept your cave-person self alive and not thrown to the wolves.  In today’s society, surviving in your tribe may translate into the ‘proper’ handbag/shoe combo or where you are seen and with whom after work hours.  While you travel in these ‘packs’ it may feel like your very life depends on it, but I’m here to ask you to think about that.

Back to my question/  Are you forcing yourself to hang with people who aren’t making you feel like you are awesome and capable and a joy to have around?  If you are, maybe it’s time to take some action.

What Will Really Happen?
“I have to go to Aunt Bertha’s Thanksgiving Dinner.”  Why?  Will the family really disown you?  And if they stop talking to you will that be a ‘bad’ thing?  I encourage you to write out the reasons you ‘have to’ hang out with the people you do. 
“But, wait!” you say, “I ‘have to ‘go to work.  Those are the people who don’t get me.”   You don’t actually have to rock any boats with some new found “F You”  attitude or action but,  it is good for your soul to ask yourself; “What Will Really Happen?” in order to get a look at what you are telling yourself.

Is It True?
Once you see what you are worried ‘may’ happen, you can then ask yourself is what I believe true?  Do I know absolutely that x y & z will happen if I don’t do what’s  expected of me?  Again, you don’t actually have to do anything, just think about it?

What Do You Want, Really, Really Want?
Brainstorm, powerpoint, imagine and dream of the life you think would make you happy.  Who are the people in it?   How do they make you feel?  How do you make them feel?  What are you doing?  The more time you spend ‘feeling’ what you really want, the more likely you will start behaving in ways that may actually lead you there. 

Through my own trial and error and by challenging my thinking, I am discovering that my worst consequence fears are just imaginary.  I am learning to speak up for myself, to say no and to honour my true nature and guess what?  The world has not ended and people actually seem to like me more and...I am liking the people around me more.  The more you observe yourself and those around you and the way you are feeling, the more likely you are to attract more of who and what you want and less of what (or whom) you don’t.

Today's post is from my very own personal nutritionist. She is exciting and innovative in her approach to helping people in the seemingly endless struggle with 'diet' and exercise.  I hope you pop on over to her website/blog and enjoy her as much as I do.  If you are looking for a nutrition coach I, of course, highly recommend you hire Ali!

  Hello Readers of What Now!  This is Ali of www.urbanfruitbat.wordpress.com.  On my blog I aim to show that healthy living is for everyone, that you do not have to be a nutritionist or a health freak to have a diet that aligns with how you want to feel!  Here are my tips and tricks for helping you to transition to a healthier lifestyle, whether that be veganism, vegetarianism, or just becoming fitter!  Hope you enjoy! How to Transition to a Healthful Life Style In this Blog, I want to give you a step by step guide on how to go from the diet that you are eating now, to the healthy lifestyle that you want to lead.  The fact of the matter is that change is hard.  Change in such a huge part of your lifestyle, such as the way you eat, is even harder.  But it does not have to be!  Here are my steps to creating a whole new lifestyle, and a whole new you. Step one; Get a clear vision: This is the time to set your intention, to decide and state what it is that you want.  Do you want to go vegan?  Raw?  Just eat more balanced?  Increase the amount of fruits and veggies you eat every day?  Get a really smokin bod?  Whatever it is, get clear.  You can't get somewhere if you don't know where you are going.   It is in this step that I would encourage you to make a vision board, to write out what a day in the life of your new lifestyle would look like, or just write out exactly what you want.  Setting a clear vision is so valuable, and it is something that you will be able to return to if you are ever struggling to remember why you are making the changes you are making.  Set goals like "feel great in all my clothes" "am eating 10 plus servings of veggies every day" so on and so forth. Step two; Do your research: Now that you know what you want, start to research and gather information on how to get there.  If you want to go vegan, read books about vegan nutrition and look up vegan recipes on-line.  Rent books from the library.  Watch Youtube videos.  Get educated.  Knowledge is power and it is the most important thing you can do for yourself before you start making any big changes. Step Three; Reach out and get support: This is the time I encourage everyone to get a buddy, or a whole group of buddies!  Encourage your significant other to make the changes with you. Do it with a friend.  Find meet up groups on-line.  Go to Organic Lives (if you live in the wonderful Vancouver of course), we love new buddies!  Find people who are living the life you want to live, and who are making the same changes you are making.  A system of support can be the thing that keeps you on your path when your will power wavers.  Support is so important!  Do no got this alone. Step Four; Add things! This is not the time to cut everything out of your diet and start from scratch!  Here is the time to start learning about all the new foods in your new lifestyle that you have never tried before.  Now is the time to broaden your horizons!  Did you know that most people eat the same 10-15 foods over and over again on a daily basis?  That is so minimal! Start branching out.  If your goal is to go vegan, try stopping at a new vegan restaurant and order a full meal.  Try cooking new vegan meals at home.  If your goal is to eat more produce, try a different fruit and a different veggie every week.  Go to farmers markets and discover new foods.  Make this a time of discovery and bounty!
Step Five; Find some substitutions; In this step, start making simple swap outs in your diet or lifestyle.  Instead of cooking with eggs, use flax eggs.  Instead of having a large serving of mashed potatoes with butter and cream, have steamed then mashed cauliflower with olive oil salt and pepper. Instead of taking the elevator, take the stairs! This step is not about cutting things out per say, but finding simple swap outs that are more in line with your new lifestyle.
Step Six; Subtract, but only a little bit; Now is the time to pick one or two foods or lifestyle habits, and cut them out.  Cheese for example.  Alternately, if your goal is veganism, give your self two days a week where you are totally vegan. Cut out your habit of pressing snooze three or four times, so you can get in a quick work out before work. Start to make small changes that greatly effect the whole.  Don't cut everything from your old lifestyle out all at once, but start to let a few things go.
Step Seven; Subtract allot; NOW it is the time to really let go of your old habit and start to live your new ones.  By now you have really educated yourself, you have a good group of support, you have widened your horizons, and you have made some swap outs.  Now is the time to go through your fridge and pantry and get rid of everything that does not line up with your new lifestyle.  Now is the time to go full speed ahead!   You have waited long enough, now lets just do it!! Other important steps; Get moving.  Find an activity or seven that you love, and do it every day.  Physical exercise will make you feel good, healthy and powerful.  It will give you strength and energy.  It is so wonderfully beneficial in all areas of life!  Do make it something that you love to do, if you hate it, find something else!
Keep a journal.  Write down how you are feeling.  Write down how certain foods make you feel.  Write down that you hate the dog barking next door.  Keep track of your journey, keep track of your habits and patterns.  Know that making lifestyle changes is all about breaking old habits and making new ones.  Self knowledge is major power. Get a mentor.  Find someone who has the results you want, or the information you want, and spend time with this person.  They will provide inspiration.  Get a nutritionist!  Get a personal chef!  Get a life coach! Whatever inspires you to keep moving is the goal here. Some people can change their lives over night, and that is awesome for them.  Many of us need to transition.  I hope that this simple guide will help empower you to start making the changes you want to make. Ali <3

What is your excuse for giving someone the finger?  For yelling at the telemarketer?  For letting the store clerk ‘have it?’  For perfoming your job poorly?

If you are ‘on guard’ for anyone or anything that ‘gets in your way,’ you are letting your reptile brain rule.  The part of your brain that is on alert for any kind of attack is your reptile brain.  When used for good, instead of evil, the reptile brain will ensure that you get out of life threatening situations and that you don’t starve to death.  Any other time you are using your reptile brain, you are in reaction mode to threats that only exist in your mind.

If you are using stress, hunger, pain, tiredness, poor me-ness, etc.  as your excuse for behaving badly then it is high time you realize that behaving badly is simply your choice.  If someone cuts you off in traffic are you absolutely positive their intent was to get ahead of you?  To harm you personally?  If the 15th telemarketer that day calls, at dinner time, can he actually ruin your whole day?  If you are hasseled at work and or at home, everyone wants something and you are responsible for all, does it really solve your problems to be p o'd at the check-out clerk?  

There are better behaviors.  There a better choices.  People in actual crisis and dealing with life and death can and have learned to behave admirably, with class, with dignity, with inspiration.

 Step number One: Awareness.  Become aware of your thoughts.  How do you do this?  Stop what you are doing.  Breathe in and out a few times, then, observe what you are thinking.  Picture the stream of words running across you mind.  What are you telling yourself?  Are you surprised how much is going on in there?

Step Number Two:  Observe.  What are the thoughts and how are they affecting you?  Are you clenching your jaw, tightening your fists, breathing shallowly, choking?  Is what you’re thinking true?  What is actually going on?  The ‘incident’ is just a trigger.  But, a trigger for what?

Step Three:  Detach.  As you observe your thoughts you can begin to detach from them.  You’ll come to realize that they are causing reactions.  After some extended practice, you can begin to let go of the fight or flight response that exists.  You’ll become aware of an underlying calm that is always present, even when your thoughts and emotions are in an uproar.  You’ll find that moods and worries begin to move through you, instead of dominating your life.  You’ll gradually learn by actual experience that your thoughts are not you.

Step Four:  Make Better Choices.  Once you become aware, observe and then detach from your most ingrained thoughts and responses you can replace them with better thoughts and responses.  If you find you have real issues, problems/circumstances that need to be dealt with in order for things to change, don’t just grin and bear it, get some help.  Take some steps to learn new behaviors and make decisions.

Have I ever behaved badly?  Of course!  Your behavior, my behavior, good or bad is always a choice.