Sometimes You’re the Villain
In everyday life, no one believes themselves to be an intentionally bad person. We are all the victim and the hero in our own stories. In order to be the hero in a story, someone has to be the villain. We can sometimes find ourselves cast as the ‘villain’ in someone else’s’ story. This is a tough pill to swallow. We will feel wronged.
In any relationship, when our feelings are hurt—we are emotionally wounded—we will respond in either of two ways. Defend or attack. We defend ourselves by putting up walls/cutting off or retreating. Or, we attack, attempting to wound in return.
If we are wanting to be evolved humans, if we are wanting relationships in our lives to be different, to last, to expand and grow, then neither of these responses help, because we are acting from a place of pain and fear.
So, what are we to do if we feel that we have been wrongly cast as the villain in someone’s story?
Steps to Addressing Your Villain Role
Acknowledge the Hurt You Feel
Feel the pain of it. Allow all the thoughts and emotions to arise and name them. Yes, even the immature, petty, not-very-evolved-thoughts and feelings. It is difficult enough having painful emotions and thoughts, but we have a tendency to add judgement and criticism on top of them; as in; I shouldn’t feel this way/I-shouldn’t have these thoughts. We can't move forward holding on to wounds. Do not act (attack mode) on these thoughts and emotions, just allow them.
Ask yourself; Have I ever acted toward someone the way this person is acting toward me? Have I ever vilified someone? Have I ever judged someone? Gossiped about them? Have I ever dismissed someone-made them ‘less than?’ Have I de-personalized/de-humanized someone? You see where I’m going?
Mine the Situation for Truth
Does what ‘they’ believe about me have any validity? If yes, then you can apologize, make restitution and show up better once you are out of pain and fear. If there is no truth to their aspersions, then don’t allow their view of you to diminish how you show up in the world. (Defense mode.)
The beginning of freeing yourself from the villain role starts with letting go of the wound and with humanizing the ‘other. ‘They’ are not so unlike me. There is a reason they see you the way they see you, because the victim needs a villain in order to become the hero.
And just something to think about…Whom have you cast as the villain in your story? Can you be a hero in your life without having a villain?
Stuck in Defense or Attack?