Every now and again the fabulous ‘they’ will let out some hint that they struggled, they worked and they made the changes over time – that it didn’t just happen overnight and it wasn’t easy. And, they still doubt themselves, occasionally. It helps me to know that and to remember that. It helps because I am habitually hard on myself. My expectations of myself are more than they would be for anyone else I know and love.
I am learning that I can be o.k. doing nothing. It is a struggle, for sure, I don’t just sit and meditate or rest with ease, there is first denial – I’m totally o.k. and nothing is bothering me – followed by discomfort and frustration. I am learning to allow; allow emotions, feelings and repressed memories to come up. I am learning that when I do that, they move through and I feel better. I’ve learned that I’ve been lying to myself about my emotions, feelings and memories. I believed that because I was aware of them and I chose to not ‘dwell’ on them and I chose better feelings, thoughts and emotions that they didn’t affect me or I had risen above them. I have learned that they were all still there. They were all just waiting patiently for their turn to be seen, felt and remembered, while I kept myself busy doing stuff. This is my hard work. Who knew allowing was so difficult? I have learned that the pain of unaddressed feelings is brief- it is sometimes sharp – but it is brief, like any transition, or moment of transformation, it is intense but the shortest part of any process. I am still learning that choosing not to dwell and choosing better feelings and thoughts is the work that comes AFTER the ‘allowing to move through’ part. I am also learning that just when I think I've made some progress and I 'get' it now, a helpful event comes along to trigger the long-held belief, just so I can practice being enough.
I am learning that I am enough whether I spend my days in my pajamas accomplishing nothing or I create a strategy that saves the world. I am enough whether I do what I should or what I shouldn’t. I am enough whether I succeed or fail. I am enough no matter what others expect of me. Whether I get invited to the party or not. I am enough despite what I expect of me. My inner ‘stuff’ comes up when I write this. Years and years of messages I believed about what I should be. That’s o.k. I am still and I am enough.