The question I’ve been living lately is; “Can you be nice and be happy?” I’m starting to think the answer is no. I discovered something new about myself. In my efforts to be ‘nice’ the way my mom raised me, meant that I had to say yes to things that I didn’t really want to do because it was worth it to make others happy. I discovered this week, that sure, I did that, in a way I always assumed made me look good, all martyr-like. But, I discovered that the consequence is not pretty or even nice. In every situation where I ‘sacrificed’ myself I would end up feeling resentful toward the person I was trying to make happy and in some way I would make them pay. They would owe me. Or my body would suffer with headaches and pain. This week, when I actually said no to being nice and to doing the “right” thing, I discovered, on the other side of a huge struggle within myself, a real freedom.
The struggle I had was trying to justify my reasons for saying no- why it was bad of the other person for imposing on me. I was asked my opinion, I kindly gave it, but all of my requests were ignored. I then struggled to find a win/win solution (I over use this strategy..I’m just sayin.. )which actually meant a compromise for everyone involved. Finally I accepted that I was not nice. I actually thought if I admitted this that God would send angels to tell me He and they knew it all along, they were just waiting for me to realize it and now it was time to drag me away to my eternal punishment. I waited but the angels and the voice of God never happened. So I carried on and did what I wanted to do and did not do what I thought was being expected of me. Then came the revelation. Letting go of being nice and doing what I wanted to do made me happy. I wasn’t ‘sticking it’ to anyone, I was not defending any territory. I was putting myself first. Then something miraculous happened. I became generous and giving of my own free will, not because I had to. And I was free, because even if I was not more generous and giving, the other person is fine. Their happiness is not my responsibility! And my happiness is not their responsibility.
I admit I have judged people, especially women around me, who appeared selfish by putting their wants and desires above others; above being hospitable. But, those were my perceptions and expectations. I have no idea what was going on with them. They may have been feeling overwhelmed; with no energy to spare on anyone…I now get that! I can no longer push myself through situations the way I did before. My body simply will not allow it. I am saying no more and more and finding I am getting happier and freer. When someone says no, believe them. If you are saying yes, just to be nice, you may just be forfeiting happy.
The struggle I had was trying to justify my reasons for saying no- why it was bad of the other person for imposing on me. I was asked my opinion, I kindly gave it, but all of my requests were ignored. I then struggled to find a win/win solution (I over use this strategy..I’m just sayin.. )which actually meant a compromise for everyone involved. Finally I accepted that I was not nice. I actually thought if I admitted this that God would send angels to tell me He and they knew it all along, they were just waiting for me to realize it and now it was time to drag me away to my eternal punishment. I waited but the angels and the voice of God never happened. So I carried on and did what I wanted to do and did not do what I thought was being expected of me. Then came the revelation. Letting go of being nice and doing what I wanted to do made me happy. I wasn’t ‘sticking it’ to anyone, I was not defending any territory. I was putting myself first. Then something miraculous happened. I became generous and giving of my own free will, not because I had to. And I was free, because even if I was not more generous and giving, the other person is fine. Their happiness is not my responsibility! And my happiness is not their responsibility.
I admit I have judged people, especially women around me, who appeared selfish by putting their wants and desires above others; above being hospitable. But, those were my perceptions and expectations. I have no idea what was going on with them. They may have been feeling overwhelmed; with no energy to spare on anyone…I now get that! I can no longer push myself through situations the way I did before. My body simply will not allow it. I am saying no more and more and finding I am getting happier and freer. When someone says no, believe them. If you are saying yes, just to be nice, you may just be forfeiting happy.
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