WHAT NOW? LIFE COACHING.
  • What Now? Life Coaching
  • Services/Contact Me
  • Mushroom to Sunflower Blog
  • What Does A Life Coach Do?
  • Finding Your What Now; Creating the Next Years of Your Life
  • Depression; Your Personal Message Workbook
  • Vision Board
  • Female Emotional Neglect Recovery
  • Buy the Program
  • Are You Emotionally Neglected?

Self Sabotage; A Closer Look

18/8/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
Charles, recovering from acute anxiety attacks attends two group therapy sessions that he finds quite interesting but misses further sessions because he’s attending to his small business.

Joan is 10 pounds away from her goal weight, but recent family issues have knocked her out of her routine and the pounds are creeping back on.

Aaron sought out a coach to help him with some unexplain-able behaviours that were interfering with his work but quit booking follow up appointments when the coach suggested something he didn’t like. 

Charles, Joan and Aaron are hard-working, goal-oriented, quite successful people.  They do not flake out easily, so why are they letting themselves down?

There are many psychological explanations for self-sabotage, such as fear of success or poor self-esteem or lack of support, but in my experience, it goes deeper than these very common and valid reasons.

Remember, hard-wired into our brains is the need to feel safe.  Anything that alerts our brain that there may be a vulnerability exposed causes it to send up distress signals.  When we start to uncover the cause of our troublesome behaviours we automatically feel the need to protect ourselves.  We developed these behaviour patterns for a reason.  They are doing the job of keeping some vulnerable beliefs about ourselves covered up.  Even our self-destructive behaviours make us feel like we are in control; the behaviours feel familiar, therefore, safe.

When Charles began to see that changes in his thought patterns and beliefs were causing changes around him, his brain picked up the ‘on-alert’ signal.  When Joan’s brain registered that Joan’s weight loss made her feel vulnerable, it sounded the alarm.  When Aaron’s brain got a message it didn’t immediately like, it registered it as a threat and caused him to avoid further ‘attack.’  All of these people are in flight mode behaviour.

So, what’s the solution?  You’re probably not going to like it, but I haven’t found it to work for any one any other way.  It is quite simply, allowing the discomfort. Prepare for it as best you can, but know that you will most likely feel terrible.   Any change that brings up our vulnerability is going to be uncomfortable and our instinct is to naturally avoid anything that’s uncomfortable.  That’s why Netflix and fast food places are so popular!

If you are going through any sort of vulnerable change time – and life is mostly about this, if you haven’t noticed – then STEP ONE:  Be gentle with yourself.  Find healthy things that feel kind and nurturing including words you say to yourself.  Maybe some folks benefit from the army sergeant boot-camp style of motivation to change, but I don’t.  I am more likely to follow through on my behaviour change once I feel safe and loved.  Finding comfort and safety within yourself may take more than one attempt, so be patient with yourself.  Enlist help if you need it – coach, therapist, your mom - transition can be rough, so reach out.

STEP TWO.  Do it in small doses.  Set a timer.  Run into the comfortableness and practice being with it.  Try not to numb out, distract yourself or pretend it’s not painful.   When the timer goes off, go about your business and congratulate yourself for spending time with the pain.

Which leads to STEP THREE:  Reward yourself!  We are still small children inside.  Having some sort of ‘pay off’ for hard work always satisfies that inner sense of needing things to be fair and worth it or what’s the point.  Set up some sort of ‘non-harming’ pleasure immediately following your ‘work’ on yourself.

Charles signed up with another group.  He dedicated himself to doing the homework in 10 minute allotments throughout the week.  When he’s on a roll, he works on his assignments for longer than 10 minutes.  On the days when it gets difficult he allows himself to stop after 10 minutes and then he goes for a swim.

Joan tuned into the times she felt vulnerable and realized that there were many things about her relationship with her family that needed to change in order for her to stop eating her feelings.  Joan is working with a coach to assist her in finding ways to do that.

Aaron continues to engage in numbing behaviours. 


0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    On my journey back to wholeness I have explored many modalities and can honestly say the What Now Life Coaching session was one of the most illuminating (yet non-invasive) interactions I've had.

    Jennifer used an interesting variety of tools to further guide me towards my "North Star" (soul's calling) and I walked away feeling grounded, comforted, validated and inspired.
    ​
    -Angela, Shaman.

    RSS Feed

    Picture
    Picture
    Are You Emotionally Suppressed?
    Picture
    Where's Your Wild Child? Awakening a Sleeping Dream Part Two
    Picture
    Understanding Human Emotions Part One
    Picture
    Free Worksheet!
    Picture






    ​Archives

    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    November 2012
    September 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    December 2010

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from quinn.anya, Lemsipmatt, Feist, Michael - FunnyFence - catchthefuture, Jannie-Jan, alex.shultz, DJ-Dwayne [Away till 31st November], volantwish, Viajar24h.com, JUSU, nafmo, Cloned Milkmen, litratcher, frankieleon, amishsteve, shootthedoll, William Arthur Fine Stationery, kodomut, Carodean Road Designs, torbakhopper, jessicahtam, limevelyn, Kurdishstruggle, peterworsley, tara marie, Daniel Hathaway, Calgary Reviews, KLGreenNYC, Cecily Michelle, RaubDaub, cogdogblog, Jade♥, Maria Grazia Montagnari, CinCool, x1klima, bambe1964, David Sifry, @lattefarsan, miamism, Daniel E Lee, Jellaluna, emjahn, dracychan, Denis Dervisevic, Street matt, Paxson Woelber, Glyn Lowe Photoworks., _Fidelio_, Ann Frye, Prayitno / Thank you for (10 millions +) views, markyharky, Avenue G, glasseyes view, Infomastern, craigCloutier, frank-hl, andertoons, eioua, torbakhopper, Silly Eagle Books, dronepicr, mikie t, Sustainable sanitation, Eduardo Mueses, Chrysaora, D.o.M.e.N.i.C.o (memmo77), elidr, blondinrikard, Ben+Sam, striatic, __MaRiNa__, edenpictures, fruity monkey, Thomas Rousing, R'lyeh Imaging, FaceMePLS, casey.marshall, quinn.anya, Jim Trottier, Holger Zscheyge, Athena I. Saldaña