I spent the summer interviewing people I know who have suffered or are suffering from depression. The most common reason cited for not seeking help with their often chronic depression was shame. I remember exactly what that feels like. I believed wholeheartedly that there was obviously something wrong with me because I was not able to handle ‘normal’ life. Shame on me. On top of already feeling emotional pain, I added condemnation—blame in the form of shoulds; I should know better, I should do better, I should feel better, I should feel grateful—look at all my stuff, look how successful I am. ‘followed closely by shouldn’ts; I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I shouldn’t be upset, life shouldn’t be such a struggle. I shouldn’t need help.
Who would want to sit and listen to all that, even if you paid them? But, that is exactly the road I had to travel in order to get on the other side of depression. I could not validate myself. I could not give myself a break. I could not give myself compassion and understanding. It turned out that I needed someone to do all of those things for me, until I could do it myself. Was it easy? Not at all. Did it instantly ‘cure’ my depression? Nope. It was the necessary first step on the road to living free of depression.
It’s difficult to tell if our repetitive thoughts of shame and blame cause depression over time but shame and blame unexpressed certainly deepens depression. Many I know are trapped in their depression because they can’t allow their deep shame to be exposed. I totally understand. It does feel like you might die when you expose the thoughts that are torturing you.
But, as I mentioned earlier, until you can show compassion and understanding for yourself—until you can validate your own existence for yourself, it is vital to talk to someone who can do it for you.
I remember crying every time I had a talk session, for about a year, because the relief was so overwhelming. I had no idea how heavy shame and blame were until I was able to put them down.
Who would want to sit and listen to all that, even if you paid them? But, that is exactly the road I had to travel in order to get on the other side of depression. I could not validate myself. I could not give myself a break. I could not give myself compassion and understanding. It turned out that I needed someone to do all of those things for me, until I could do it myself. Was it easy? Not at all. Did it instantly ‘cure’ my depression? Nope. It was the necessary first step on the road to living free of depression.
It’s difficult to tell if our repetitive thoughts of shame and blame cause depression over time but shame and blame unexpressed certainly deepens depression. Many I know are trapped in their depression because they can’t allow their deep shame to be exposed. I totally understand. It does feel like you might die when you expose the thoughts that are torturing you.
But, as I mentioned earlier, until you can show compassion and understanding for yourself—until you can validate your own existence for yourself, it is vital to talk to someone who can do it for you.
I remember crying every time I had a talk session, for about a year, because the relief was so overwhelming. I had no idea how heavy shame and blame were until I was able to put them down.
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