The meditation facilitator instructed us to remember a time when we were deeply engaged in something creative—something that made us lose track of time and the outside world. What came to my mind was me, around age 10, playing with the “Barbie” world I had created using cardboard wrapped around the legs of our family ping pong table. I was completely enclosed, sitting on the basement floor with my ‘Barbies’ and one ‘Ken.’ I spent hours in there creating romantic and domestic scenarios with those dolls. The meditation continued, asking us to tune into what we were feeling, what sensations in the body were present. As I tuned in to me, at 10, I was surprised to feel desperation; a mild panic; slight mania. The presenter continued, but I was lost in an exchange with my 10-year-old self.
I saw that I was putting all my effort into creating a perfect world so that love could exist. My real-world family was chaotic, painful and at times, traumatic. I was trying to control and create safety/security by making everything perfect.
What’s the Default?
I carried that controlling, edged with desperation into creating my adult life. Luckily (I say that now!), I eventually ran into a series of crisis that forced me to re-evaluate my motivations and my very foundation.
I can see now that everything I, and maybe you, create is from a foundation of love or fear. Those are the only two options. Unfortunately, most of us are locked into a fear state and create from there. Remember, every advertisement is aimed at our belief that something outside of us will make us better or happier, convincing us that we are not enough. It has taken me considerable time, patience and effort to tap into my inner motivation.
How Do I Tell the Difference?
The feeling is how you tell if you are creating from fear or love. Question every desire and every effort. Is my motivation for pursuing this because I believe I ‘lack’ something; does it stir up feelings of inadequacy, shame, even desperation? Or, does it spark curiosity, calm, excitement or an inner ‘Yes!?’ I’m hoping I will, eventually, have my default motivation, without having to ask, always be love.
Meditation is The Exercise; Awareness the Muscle
Which brings me to the meditation. I think the point was to help us realize what our own creativity state feels like, so that we can pursue things that put us there. For me it turned into something else, Meditation, for me, is the exercise that strengthens/builds the muscle of awareness or self-realization. I meditate at least twice a day, but I don’t get ‘epiphanies’ every time. Sometimes it feels good and sometimes it doesn’t. But, I am noticing, like any repeated exercise, the results. I am operating less from a foundation of lack (fear). I know there are many other paths to self-awareness, but this one continues to surprise and inform me.
How about you?
What is your default creation foundation?
What self-awareness practices do you use?
This post was created from Love :)
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