I travelled to be with my family so we could process and plan. Then there was the gathering in my brothers’ home town for his funeral. I was asked by his wife to give the eulogy. That is a strange honour, I can’t quite describe. It was amazingly easy to write because I just described what he was like as my brother from the time I first had memories of him to the last time I spoke with him. I had my very kind editor help me because I needed it to be ‘right’ for my brother, so that people could understand how I felt about him. My friends, neighbours, my on-line community have been so kind, compassionate and supportive. Their energy most certainly helped steady me while I read that eulogy to a crowd of strangers.
My husband and I rushed home to catch a flight to board a long-ago-booked holiday cruise. We reasoned that a get-away would do us good—give us time to rest and recover from the shock, from all the travel and all the upset in routine.
I suffer motion sickness, so I was well-prepared with a Dramamine patch applied behind my ear, long before I stepped aboard that cruise ship. I sailed without trouble. I slept well. I took advantage of the food, the entertainment and the ports of call. A strange thing happened when I returned home. The Dramamine wore off and I was suddenly, violently motion sick! My body, it turned out, wasn’t tricked.
I have been unable to do my ‘normal’ routine. I’m spending most of my time resting, trying not to move my head quickly. This sitting still has allowed my thoughts and emotions to come to the surface. And guess what? Just as my body was not tricked by the medicine, my feelings were not tricked by the distractions. Grief, joy—a whole mixed bag of emotions, have been my companions while I struggle to regain my balance, albeit, a new balance, on this landscape altered by these life experiences.