Fast forward to present. My life coach has me make a list of 100 things I’m grateful for. Are you kidding me? Really? Frig. So off to Starbuck’s I go, because I am nothing if not obedient.
I buy myself a good coffee and a sweet treat and set out my purple pen and cool notebook. I begin by making a list of numbers 1 to 100. Yum this coffee is good. Oooh, I’m liking this blueberry crumble thingy. Ding, ding, ding. Connection. Enjoyment, Appreciation, Grateful!
This ‘connection’ did not just magically happen in that moment. I have been going through quite a
rigorous process in order to arrive at the feeling of gratitude. It turns out the origin of my disconnect was not knowing how to feel my feelings, period! I was trained not to trust my
feelings. First in childhood. Nice girls don’t get mad. Pretty girls don’t look sad. And then later, at school. Smart girls do what they’re told, no questions. In church. Good people don’t have
those thoughts. Good people don’t feel that way. Like I said, I am a very good student, so I believed it all. I take all the responsibility for my beliefs and my actions. No one forced me to be nice, be quiet, ‘deny my humanness. I was well liked and well behaved for a long time. I just wasn’t very happy.
The process has involved me learning how to feel my feelings and think my thoughts, and process all the ones that were stuck for years. Because, as you probably already know, when you stuff the so called ‘bad’ feelings, you deaden the ‘good’ ones too. When I became tired of being nice and unhappy and started searching for answers, I learned that my thoughts and feelings are ok, real, normal, ‘human!’ The decision to ‘act’ on my thoughts and feelings is completely my choice. Heck,
I even get to CHOOSE my thoughts and feelings! Ding, ding, ding! Now I know that the more I allow myself to feel happy, mad, sad, glad the more I can feel , happiness, appreciation, gratitude. Which is, the point of life.